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Dear Dr. Yael,

I enjoy your weekly column and wanted to shed some light on what I think is a self-inflicted shidduch crisis. Although I’m not a professional shadchan, I have been redding shidduchim for years, have made several matches, Baruch Hashem, and set up a couple of dates every week.

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I have to tell you that I have discussed this with a great number of shadchanim and there is a feeling of exhaustion from unrealistic expectations of girls and their mothers. So many of them seem to have no sense of appreciation for the time and effort a shadchan expends on their behalf, with some actually presenting as though they’re doing you a favor by letting their debutante go out with a young man you have suggested.

Hashem has designed a lifelong partner for everyone – as they say, every pot has its cover.  Yet, I find that many of today’s young women, and their parents, are clueless as to how to go about seeking a marriage partner.  Their wish list is too long, the expectations are unrealistic, and their egos are inflated. In many cases, it is the parents who have created this situation and then blame it on the young men or their mothers.  Young women and their families are looking for a young man who is a gadol hador before the wedding, a mogul after marriage, has the looks and personality of a Hollywood star, the sense of humor of a comedian, and the yichus of Yaakov Avinu. What they fail to realize is that all those qualities cannot be found in one person. If you read through look in Tanach, you will find imperfect families and imperfect people who turned out to have good marriages.

Every shadchan is aware of the disparity between men and women at the onset of dating. The young ladies are more advanced and polished at an earlier stage, but the young men who have good middos and potential will eventually catch up. There are very few finished products to be found today. Thus, it means being able to visualize potential down the road. Many are looking to marry someone like their father, who evolved with their mother’s help after 30 plus years of marriage

A young woman, naturally, does not have lifelong experiences to always understand reality. However, I would hope that her mother would be able to guide her. Unfortunately, many are not. Parents themselves often have unrealistic dreams and concoct the type of husband their daughter will marry. However, we can only date those who say yes to us. After all, marriage requires two people and a person cannot belong to a club that doesn’t want him.

Unfortunately, every shadchan knows hundreds of girls who are over 30 and not married. At this point, the pool of available men is much smaller then when they were younger as most yeshiva bachurim are already married by age 26. The husband they seek is married to someone who had the foresight to visualize good potential and the ability and patience to help cultivate him. I would hope that some will change or lower their criteria, because insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Over the past month I facilitated numerous shidduchim and received many yeses from the male side, only to be met with a no from the female side for the most trivial or ridiculous reasons. Those who did me a favor and went out generally said no after the first date for trivial reasons as well. It’s quite frustrating dealing with so many people who are simply misguided, or lacking common sense.  If this type of behavior continues, I can assure you there will be fewer and fewer people willing to get involved in facilitating shidduchim.

I seem to have less of a problem securing a yes from young men, though many of their mothers claim their sons feel the young lady is doing them a favor.

I believe if you took a poll, you would probably find that most shadchanim share these sentiments. I would love to hear your thoughts on this issue.

Burnt Out From Unrealistic Expectations

Dear Burnt Out,

Thank you for this enlightening letter. The issues you raise are ones I have heard many times from shadchanim.

Yet, I think that our shidduch crisis is not caused by one specific reason. We need to all focus our efforts on continuing to make suggestions for appropriate matches. We can all be shachchanim and help today’s singles build batei neemanim b’Yisrael.

I wish you continued hatzlocha in all your endeavors!

And to all my readers, a frelichin Purim!


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Dr. Yael Respler is a psychotherapist in private practice who provides marital, dating and family counseling. Dr. Respler also deals with problems relating to marital intimacy. Letters may be emailed to [email protected]. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Orit Respler-Herman, a child psychologist, co-authors this column and is now in private practice providing complete pychological evaluations as well as child and adolescent therapy. She can be reached at 917-679-1612. Previous columns can be viewed at www.jewishpress.com and archives of Dr. Respler’s radio shows can be found at www.dryaelrespler.com.