Dear Dr. Yael:
I read your column about the husband who was having a hard time expressing his feelings. I have the same issue, but in the reverse. I am the one who has a problem being expressive, and its something my husband really needs.
I grew up with a mother who was very touchy-feely in ways that always made me uncomfortable. I would find myself closing off whenever it got too much. While my father is less expressive and generally understands me better, there were still things he did that made me uncomfortable. For example, when I was single and living at home, he would come up behind me and whisper, “Hi gorgeous” in my ear.
I do acknowledge that it is hard for me to be open with my husband in the ways he would like, but I am not sure what to do. I have spoken to more than one therapist and all they tell me is that I have to learn to open up and share myself with those close to me, or my life will be “tragic.” Isn’t therapy about being yourself; aren’t there different ways for people to communicate with each other?
CB
Dear CB,
From what you describe it sounds like you may have been frightened by the inappropriate openness in your family. It’s also possible that your parents had a poor understanding of boundaries and did not respect your space. It seems that you did not feel safe with your family when you were a young child, and closed up to protect yourself. Inappropriate closeness, which sounds to me more like a feeling of being violated, can be frightening to children and may make them feel like they have to protect themselves. Children should feel safe and have a healthy sense of closeness with their parents. Parents and children need to have clear boundaries so that everyone knows what is appropriate and what isn’t.
There are two opposing views in therapy about how to treat individuals who felt violated in childhood. While one approach encourages opening up and discussing all these issues, there is another school of thought that believes a frightening past or boundary issues should not necessarily be delved into; it’s much more important for the person to move on and not repeat these behaviors with his or her own children. In addition, it is not clear that discussing all these painful traumatic issues will actually help cure the client.
However, while trauma is taking place, it is imperative that those involved speak up and try to get the help they need.
I have asked Dr. Orit to specifically address the issue of trauma in children.
Playing out trauma via play therapy can be extremely helpful for children and may save them from psychiatric issues later on. Children often do not have the words to express what they are going through or how they feel. Thus, playing through the trauma can be very therapeutic for them. Often, children will re-enact the trauma in some way, which helps them gain control of the situation and engender their own ending or solution to what happened.
I once had a client who had endured physical abuse. She was only four years old and could not express what had happened to her. She did not have the words and probably did not even really understand all that had taken place.
After a few months of play, she began to re-enact the abuse. She used a toy dog as the perpetrator and other forms of actions that she understood – over time what she was simulating became clear. After a few sessions of re-enacting this play, the child finally took the toy dog to jail. This made her feel as if she was in control of the situation, and was finally able to establish her sense of self and her self-control. Obviously, this can only work with past trauma, as a person cannot begin to heal until the perpetrator is taken away and not able to continue the abuse.
On the other hand, as an adult, opening all these old wounds may simply cause you to recreate the trauma in your mind and have no concrete therapeutic purpose. That being said, most adults do benefit from expressing the trauma they endured and from talking through how they felt at the time. For many this is what helps them move on. As you said, though, people have different needs and benefit from different treatments and approaches.
Your response to therapists who push you to open up makes me believe that perhaps therapy that will help build your strengths and not be so problem-focused, may actually be more productive for you. This means that in your search for a therapist, you will want to ask about his or her psychological orientation and how he or she deals with clients. You can express that you are looking for a therapist who will not dwell on your past and will instead help you build yourself up, using your strengths to overcome your difficulties. I would suggest looking for a therapist who is not psychodynamic in his or her approach, but rather utilizes cognitive behavior therapy and talk therapy to help you achieve your goals. Thank you for your interesting letter and for bringing this situation to the forefront. Hatzlocha!