Dear Dr. Yael,
Firstly, thank you for all that you do. You have no idea how good it feels to have someone to write to.
I would like to ask you a mother-in-law question. My mother-in-law and I have had our problems since the beginning of my marriage. I was young and thoughtless when my husband and I first got married and my mother-in-law rightly believed I had a “holier than thou” attitude and was somewhat selfish. I’ve changed over the years, but my mother-in-law still views me as the selfish and thoughtless young girl I once was. Some years back, my mother-in-law and I decided to see a rav in our city to mediate between us, and he helped her see that people can change. Our relationship seemed to have taken a turn for the better.
Her biggest complaint about me is that I don’t share anything with her. I know that it is quite unusual for a woman not to be forthcoming with news and events, but I’ve never been good at making small talk.
I have tried to share more about our family with her; however, I don’t think our relationship has improved much at all, and I think I know the reason. My mother-in-law had a terrible relationship with her mother. Then, her mother passed away when my mother-in-law was a young woman. I don’t think she ever worked out the immense pain that came from her inability to fix things with her mother. To make it worse, she didn’t know her mother was sick; her family thought it prudent to keep it a secret. Thus, she never got to say goodbye or make amends. In addition, although my father-in-law is a good person, he is a difficult husband. I think my mother-in-law is lonely and possibly jealous of the relationship I have with her son.
To say that she’s unhappy is an understatement; she is a wound-up ball of nerves and a very negative person. Given all of this, I’ve worked hard at being compassionate when she makes stinging, hurtful remarks. I try hard to call her, but it is difficult for me – I have to force myself to do it. When she says those hurtful things, I don’t want to call her or have anything to do with her. I know Hashem chooses our in-laws for a reason, but sometimes I just get tired of it all.
Any suggestions or words of encouragement?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your kind words.
There seems to be quite a few complicated issues in your relationship with your mother-in-law. It is commendable that as a young woman you were able to see that you had areas to improve in and that you took it upon yourself to become a better person. Unfortunately, once a relationship is established, it is difficult for one person to see the other person differently. Perhaps you can remind your mother-in-law that although you used to sometimes be thoughtless, you have changed and now try to be thoughtful and caring. Your mother-in-law may be so shocked by your honesty that she won’t be able to respond negatively!
Unfortunately, you are not alone in your pain. Many people have very negative relationships with their in-laws. This is why the Gemara says that a mother-in-law cannot be a witness against her daughter-in-law. The relationship is very complex and doesn’t come with easy resolutions.
Each of us goes through life experiencing various obstacles and challenges, all to help us grow. It seems that your relationship with your mother-in-law is one of your nisyonos. You don’t say anything about your husband’s relationship with her, so we can only speculate. Can you limit your conversations with her to polite well-wishing short exchanges and let him handle the longer end? What about writing her letters? Can you send her cards or letters instead of calling as often? I question whether you must bear the pain of her hurtful remarks. Perhaps it is better that you buy her gifts, send her letters and show your concern in other ways while limiting your verbal interaction. Certainly you should try to treat her with derech eretz, but I think that you should consult with your rav as to whether you need to speak to her on the phone often and for a lengthy amount of time.