Dear Dr. Yael,
Shabbos is over and it was challenging. I have a friend who has many problems. She is not married and had a tough childhood. Lately, when she comes to us for Shabbos, she has been very inappropriate in the way she speaks to two of our children. They are lively boys, but they are good kids. She feels it is her place to discipline then and she does it in a very negative way. It has come to the point that they really dislike her.
I feel sorry for her as she does not have many friends and has a lot of issues, but I also do not like the negative feeling she brings with her. My husband is concerned about the way the children react to her, but says it’s my choice.
I should mention, she is very helpful to me when she comes. She watches the baby so I can sleep, she helps serve and clean up, etc. She is also very good with our daughters.
Dr. Respler, I wonder if you can suggest some ways I can speak with her about this.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
You definitely are in a difficult predicament and I commend you in your quest to do chessed. Your children, though, definitely come first and cannot be compromised to help your friend.
Now, how to handle the situation.
The first thing I would recommend is to call your friend and ask her when it would be a good time to talk to her about something important. Giving the other person the control usually helps him or her be less defensive.
Once you and your friend are sitting down and relaxing, you can say something like, “I really love having you for Shabbos and appreciate how much you help me when you come. It’s a real pleasure to host you. I was wondering, though, if you could possibly be gentler with the boys. I know that they can be leibidig and noisy and it bothers me as well, but we have to let them be boys within limits. I will make sure to address any issues that come up. It would mean a lot to me if you can leave the disciplining to me.
“If you are feeling overwhelmed from them, maybe you can just step out of the room, or call me and my husband if we are someplace else in the house. It’s hurtful for me to hear them being disciplined by someone else. If coming is too hard for you right now, I totally understand; however I hope that you will be able to find a way to handle the noise without addressing the boys about it.
I know you love my kids like your own, but I still need to be the one to address any concerns with them, as they need a lot of positive reinforcement right now. I find that they respond very well to positive feedback, thus even if they’re not doing what they’re supposed to, I try to find something positive to focus on and usually that helps them turn it around.”
You may find that your friend will change or need some reminders, but will be more positive with the boys. If that’s the case, then they will likely not mind when your friend comes and all will be okay. However, if your friend continues to berate your boys, you cannot continue to have her over. You can’t have her destroy your children even if you want to continue doing the chessed. Hatzlocha with this situation!