Dear Dr. Yael:
I am writing to you about my husband. He is amazing in mitzvos bein adam l’Makom. He always davens with a minyan and is very focused on his learning. However, his bein adam l’chavero is just okay and his bein adam l’eeshto (between him and me) leaves a lot to be desired.
We have a number of young children and when I am pregnant and tired, he gets upset if I lie down – he tells me to get up and clean. He doesn’t help me bathe the children or put them to sleep. He has no problem screaming at me in the street and basically seems to have little respect for me.
Now, I know the source of this problem. He and his siblings treat his mother with total disrespect. They make fun of her and call her a silly lady. Sometimes, when I say something he doesn’t like, he’ll say, “You remind me of my mother when you say something stupid.” I am so upset with my husband. He even does this in front of the children.
Dr. Respler, what can I do to change this situation?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous:
It sounds like your husband comes from a difficult family situation and what we call a “poor imago.” This means that the image of his home environment is one in which he did not learn to value women. You do not mention a father-in-law. My question is: Was there a father involved? Did the father disrespect the mother? Did he somehow make it clear that the mother was not important?
My heart breaks for your poor mother-in-law and admire your wish to change things for her and yourself. Even though your husband did not see derech eretz in his childhood, it is something you must be sure takes place in your marriage. There are wives who are disrespectful to their husbands as well saying, “Who cares what Tatty/Abba/Daddy says.” If parents want children to have respect for them, they must be respectful to each other.
So what can you do to make things different? The first thing is to tell your husband that you would like to speak with him about something important and ask when would be a good time. Make sure to speak with him when he is calm. Explain that it makes you feel sad when he speaks to you disrespectfully and that you do not want to have a home where chutzpah is acceptable. Depending on how deep your husband’s disrespect runs, this may or may not help him change. If he says that he agrees and wants to change, then you have fought half the battle! Maybe you and your husband can come up with a funny word you can say when he begins to talk disrespectfully, to remind him that he is slipping back into his old habits. It would probably also be a good idea to seek professional help together as it may be difficult for you and your husband to make these changes on your own.
Unfortunately, the probability is that he will not see a reason to change as he has been acting this way for a long time and clearly has some issues with respecting women. If this is the case, it is important to understand that you cannot change your husband, you can only change yourself. Thus, perhaps you can try to treat him with the utmost derech eretz so that he will feel uncomfortable responding in any other way. This will be very difficult, especially if he is disrespecting you, but it is an important technique called countermoves. I am not sure how you are responding to his disrespect, but try to remain firm but respectful. If you are crying and screaming in response, then you need to take a step back because this will likely not work.