Dear Dr. Yael,
I am, Baruch Hashem, happily married, but there is something about my wife that drives me crazy! When she is upset or sad about anything, she goes on a shopping spree – she says it makes her feel better. I understand that she is looking for an outlet, but the bills she generates are insane. When I complain, she tells me it is retail therapy and that I wouldn’t complain if she was going for real therapy, so I shouldn’t in this situation either. I want my wife to be happy, but is this normal? I mean, does she really have to go for retail therapy on a weekly or bi-weekly basis? I would spend $200 a week on a good therapist for her, so should I be okay spending $300 a week or more on clothes and accessories? I love my wife; however, this seems extreme.
Baruch Hashem we can afford this “retail therapy,” but I wonder if I should be encouraging her to go for real therapy instead. Overall my wife is a great mother and a wonderful wife. Additionally, many of the purchases she makes are for the children. I guess I am worried that this may get out of hand and would rather my wife find a better way to get rid of her frustrations and let downs. What are your thoughts?!
A Loving, But Bewildered Husband
Dear LBBH,
Research has shown that about 52% of Americans admit to engaging in retail therapy (shopping or spending money to improve one’s mood). If you can afford it, it’s not a terrible way for your wife to boost her mood, as long as she keeps it in moderation. It is definitely possible to overdo retail therapy, so I will share with you some warning signs that you should be aware of.
1) Lying or hiding purchases from loved ones
2) Feeling guilt or shame about shopping
3) Missing work or other obligations to go shopping
4) Feeling that shopping is no longer fun but a necessity
If you see any of these signs, then it’s possible that your wife’s shopping habit has gotten out of control and she may need to seek help. However, from your description, this does not seem to be the case.
The best thing to do is to sit down with your wife when she is feeling calm and happy and try to work out a plan that makes sense for you and your family. You can talk about making a budget for “retail therapy” and setting some guidelines. In this way, you will help your wife continue doing what she enjoys in a more structured way. You can also encourage your wife to try to take on some chesed projects, art or baking classes, an exercise class, or go to a shiur, so she has less time to shop and something to help her feel more fulfilled. Most of the time people engage in retail therapy because they are bored or feel an emptiness that they want to fill.
Ultimately, the “high” that your wife gets from shopping will not last, as stuff will not make her happy. Thus, shopping in moderation when she feels the need will help her get things she actually will use, which may make her feel better in the long run.
In my experience, women who are not working are more likely to engage in retail therapy because they need something to do and they may not feel as accomplished as those who work and enjoy their jobs.
Of course, women who are stay-at-home moms have a lot to do during the day, but sometimes it isn’t as fulfilling as working outside the home. You did not specify if your wife works, but if she doesn’t, then it may be good for you to get her involved in something that will help fill that void. Perhaps if she is very good at shopping, she can become a personal shopper or an interior designer! Shopping for a living can possibly fulfill both these needs!