Dear Dr. Yael,
Despite these crazy times, I am dating and hoping to find my bashert. Currently, I am dating someone who is very similar to me in personality. A lot of the time this works out because we share interests and have similar likes and dislikes, but sometimes our similarities get on my nerves. While it seems like we are compatible, I’m wondering if I should be looking for someone who isn’t as much like me, but rather is more opposite so we compliment each other. Isn’t there a saying “opposites attract”? I do not want to give up a good guy, but I’m nervous that this is a mistake. I do not want to be annoyed for the rest of my life. I also do not feel that “spark” people talk about, and maybe if we were more different I would. Please help!
Dating and Confused
Dear Dating and Confused,
Kudos to you for dating during this difficult time period and continuing to stay positive while doing so. You are correct that people say “opposites attract,” but research has shown that most couples who have stayed married for many years say that you are much more likely to be happily married if you and your spouse are fundamentally similar. Furthermore, the research has shown that couples who are very different can make a marriage work, but it is generally more difficult. Opposites may attract, but they often do not make for happy and long-lasting marriages. Similarities in core values was found to be the most important factor. Sometimes it can be “boring” to have similar interests and personality, but ultimately these similarities will work in your favor as you will want the same things in life instead of arguing about them. Furthermore, no two people are really exactly alike, so I’m sure there will be differences to spice things up. You can always decide to try new things together as well to help keep things interesting.
Have you and the person you are dating talked about your values? Have you asked each other what is important to you in life? Have you discussed how you want to raise your children, spend money, and work? These are usually key issues that come up in many different facets in life. Compatibility in personality can be useful as you will enjoy similar things, but compatibility in core values is imperative. Major differences in core values can lead to many fights, so it is important to discuss these things once you find compatibility in personality.
You mentioned not feeling that “spark” as a point of concern. This “spark” does happen (though it is based in fairy tales and is not as important as people make it to be), but it doesn’t mean that the person you feel a spark with is the one you should marry. Sometimes the fireworks come from those attractive differences; however; those fireworks can also burn you. That spark is not necessarily an indicator that the person is for you. It may be based on physical attractiveness (which is very important, but will fade with time if the core values and compatibility isn’t there), or some sort of emotional attraction. Either way, a spark is nice if it comes along with the compatibility and the similar core values, but it can be very dangerous if it doesn’t. Sparks are definitely not necessary for a marriage to work and many times that attraction comes and grows with time once you get to know someone. If you continue to date this person and see that you share more than a similar personality, you will see that the respect and attraction will come. Please do not break up over the lack of fireworks as this is not generally a good indicator of a lasting marriage.
There is a famous saying that “Birds of a feather flock together”. It means that people of the same sort or with the same tastes and interests will be found together. There is definitely a debate of “opposites attract” vs “Birds of a feather flock together,” though as noted above most of the psychological research has found that people generally have more stable and happier marriages when marrying someone similar. For example, if you are a quieter, more introverted person, it may seem attractive to find someone who is more loud and outgoing. However, in this marriage, both people may end up unhappy because while one wants to socialize often and be a part of large groups, the other will likely find this exhausting and want to spend more time alone or with fewer friends. Sharing personality traits actually has been found to be more helpful in a relationship as it causes less fights and conflict in the relationship. At first, these differences can seem exciting and exotic, but over time these differences will become annoying and can really grate on a marriage. Your fear of annoying each other because you are similar has actually not been found to be true. In fact, most couples appreciate those similarities down the line, so try to make sure you are compatible in your core values and if you are, you may have found your match! Relationships are a lot of work and many compromises will have to be made to make them last. Thus, if you are similar and agree on many things, you will make your life easier. Opposites can be married happily, but it usually takes a lot more work and has many more challenges! Hatzlocha in your decision and we hope you find your bashert soon or that you already found it!