Dear Dr. Yael,
My mother recently became a widow. She is elderly and not in the best of health. As I am an only child, my husband and I agreed that we should move her into our home. She was very happy to take us up on our offer. She has been with us now for 5 months. The move overall has been ok, but my problem is that she doesn’t seem to like one of our children, and she makes it obvious. My mother seems to have taken a disliking to my 13-year-old daughter. She is my middle child. While it’s true that she is moody, she is still a good girl. I have spoken to my mother about this and she denies it, but it is fairly obvious. I want to keep my mother with us, but I also need to protect my daughter. What can I do in this difficult situation?
Very Upset Mother
Dear Very Upset Mother,
First of all, kol hakavod to you and your husband for taking your mother in to live with you. While having your mother with you is of utmost importance, I agree with you that you must protect your daughter. Teenage years are very difficult and you have the correct perspective.
Yes, your daughter may be moody, but she needs positive attention and love, not negativity. Your mother probably means to be helpful, but it is imperative that you find a respectful and loving way to tell your mother that her interactions with your daughter need to be more positive and that your daughter is an amazing girl who struggles with being the middle child.
In addition, it is a good idea to set boundaries with your mother. She needs to realize that she is the grandmother, not a parent. Grandparents are supposed to be loving and positive with their grandchildren and not get involved with discipline or mussar. Only positive energy, warmth, and love should be expressed by your mother. It is important to impart these boundaries in a soft and loving manner so that your mother does not feel criticized or unwelcome.
Try saying something like this, “Mommy, I am so happy you came to live with us. I know that you only want the best for me and my children, but I need a favor from you. I am struggling with ‘Shira’ and I realize that she needs a lot of positive attention. Do you think you can help me by showering her with love and positivity? I don’t want her to hear anything negative, especially from you, because I see how much she loves you.” If your mother seems to struggle with the positivity, please go for professional help to a frum therapist who values the mitzvah of kibud av v’eim and asks da’as Torah. This way, you can figure out the best way to fix the situation while keeping your mother with you.
Another way to approach your mother (if you think she will be more positive this way), is to ask your mother for help. It is important to make your mother feel useful as she probably feels insecure living in your home and not being independent. Perhaps you can ask your mother if she can help you by giving your daughter extra attention, which may change her attitude towards your daughter and make their interactions more positive. If your mother is capable of taking your daughter out alone, maybe she can take her out to lunch/dinner or for ice cream? This can only work if your mother will be loving and positive with your daughter. You never want to send your daughter out with your mother alone unless you are sure it will be a positive experience for her because if not, it will only exacerbate this situation.
Lastly, try to spend some extra time with your daughter yourself. She is probably struggling with the new living arrangements and needs to know she comes first. Perhaps you can take her out with you alone, once a week or twice a month, to give her some special one-on-one time with you. Also, speak with your daughter regarding how she feels about the new living situation and her relationship with your mother. Even if you can’t change the situation, it may help her to express her feelings to you and process how she feels. Seeking professional help for your daughter may be necessary as well if she seems to continue having a hard time with the adjustment and/or her teenage years. Make sure your daughter feels her needs are being met and express to her how important she is to you.
I will end with a poignant story. A non-religious father tells his son, “Grandpa is getting old and we must send him away since it is not pleasant to live with old people. Please go get a warm blanket for grandpa to take to the nursing home.” The young son finds a blanket and cuts it in half. The father is enraged. He says, “Why did you cut the blanket in half? I wanted to give him the whole blanket!” The young son responded, ” I am saving the other half for you when you get old, and I have to send you to a nursing home.” Remember, children learn more from what you do than what you say.
In the zechus of caring for your mother in your home, may you be zocheh to arichus yamim and lots of nachas. In addition, may your children do the same for you and your husband if you ever need their help. Hatzlacha in this challenging mitzvah!