Dear Dr. Yael,
Can a little girl of six be experiencing bullying?
My 6-year-old daughter was so excited to start first grade and she was happy every day when she came home.
After Succos vacation everything changed. After a few days she didn’t want to go to school anymore. Her stomach hurt her, and then her head hurt her, and her legs, etc. I asked her if anyone is making her feel bad in school and she said no, but she doesn’t like Malky. I spoke to her teacher and she doesn’t see anything going on.
Do you have any suggestions?
A Worried Mother
Dear Worried Mother,
Bullying can come in many different forms. It can be physical (pinching, pushing, hitting, etc), verbal (name calling or threats), or psychological/emotional (spreading rumors or excluding someone from an activity or conversation). The first step to stopping bullying is recognizing when your child is being bullied. Your daughter seems to exhibit the classic signs of being bullied as she is complaining about physical ailments such as tummy aches and does not want to go to school. Other common signs are having worries and fears. Children who are being bullied often want to avoid or withdraw from things that are making them feel bad or stressed.
Keeping communication open is very important. This is crucial for all children, so you can detect any issues or problems early on. It’s good to ask your children who they play with and who they get along with. There’s no need to put pressure on children or grill them, but having an idea of who their friends are and being aware of their socialization is imperative. If you suspect an issue or your child has communicated that he/she is having issues with another child, you may want to dig for more details. Maybe ask your daughter why she doesn’t like Malky and what Malky does that makes her upset. Perhaps you will get more details that can guide you as to whether there is just some conflict or if there is, in fact, bullying.
It is essential for parents to be careful to not overreact when you hear things that may make you upset. Getting angry or frustrated will not help your children and will just make them more upset. Children need you to listen to them, reassure them, and be supportive to them. They also need to see you be strong and calm, so they know that they can come to you with anything and that you will be helpful.
If you indeed ascertain that bullying is happening, there are some important steps to take. Talk to your daughter about techniques she can use to stop the bullying or at least stop it from escalating. Make sure she has a “toolkit” of ideas to use in tough situations when it may be harder for her to think straight. Have her describe these ideas so she can be prepared in those situations. Talk to her about different responses that may stop the bully in her tracks. These responses should be direct, but not antagonistic. For example, saying, “sure whatever you say” and walking away doesn’t give the bully much to go on. Or something like, “this is how Hashem made me, are you making fun of Hashem?” may work with a 6-year-old, because they won’t know how to respond which may stop the bullying. Whatever you and your daughter decide will work, will be helpful.
Using humor as a response can also help (e.g., laughing at whatever the bully says as if it doesn’t bother you). Different situations call for different responses. Different ages also would require different responses. The most important thing is that your daughter acts like she doesn’t care and does not escalate the situation by throwing insults back. Role-playing different situations with your daughter will also be very helpful. You can switch back and forth between being a bully and your daughter and keep replaying until your daughter feels confident and empowered that she can deal with the situations on her own. Having her be the bully in a role-play may help her feel more in control and also will give you the ability to show her how to respond in those situations. Then you can reverse roles and you can be the bully and she can practice responding appropriately.
When you’re role-playing also make sure that you are teaching your daughter the proper body language to use. Having a strong and brave look will deter a bully even more than with what’s being said. Practice having a brave and strong look so your daughter can use it when needed in difficult situations. Also teach your daughter about making eye contact, as this will help her look stronger. A good way to teach young children about making eye contact, is to tell them to look at their friends’ eye color. Then you can explain when someone is bothering you and you want to be strong you should look straight into their eyes and focus on their eye color, which will help them maintain eye contact.
Building your children’s confidence will also go a long way to helping them fight off bullies. Encourage extra curricular activities that bring out the best in your child, but more importantly, compliment your child specifically (tell your child the unique qualities you love about them) and often. Reinforce positive behaviors by recognizing good behavior and making sure to compliment these behaviors. Remind your children how much you love them and try to spend some one-on-one time with each of them. This will make them each feel special and loved. One-on-one time does not have to be long, but should be quality time where you can pay attention to them and give them lots of compliments and love.
If the bullying becomes extreme or is repeated despite the interventions you were trying, make sure you report it immediately to teacher, principal, and other school personnel that may be helpful. If you feel your daughter’s self esteem has been affected negatively, please seek help from a competent professional. Hatzlocha!