Although Anonymous did not say outright that she is being abused, my understanding is that women don’t often realize they are being abused, especially if the abuse is emotional rather than physical.
But whether women realize they are being emotionally abused or not, it is still abuse. It is still hurtful and deeply damaging.
As an aside, but an important one, I believe there is one thing Anonymous can do which may giver her a fighting chance. Since, as she says, her husband is so good with his mitzvos bein adam l’Makom, I think she should have a talk with her husband’s rav. If his rav tells him that his manner of treating his wife is clearly against the Torah, he might be motivated to change. The rav may also tell them that they should go for professional help, and he may listen.
Let me state clearly that I am not advocating that Anonymous end her marriage, only that such an option should not be ruled out if this is truly a case of abuse – something only a professional who sees them in person can determine – and every viable option has been tried without success.
Perhaps I misunderstood your response. But if so, I am afraid other readers may have misunderstood your response too.
Respectfully yours,
Henia
Dear Henia:
Your letter was well written and you do have a good point. This is one of the problems that we encounter in writing an “advice column.” It would be unprofessional and inappropriate for me to tell a person whom I have not counseled what to do. All I can ever do in these situations is address the issues in as general a way as possible so that the most number of people can be helped. For me to label someone as experiencing emotional abuse just based on her writing a letter is unprofessional. I recommended that she seek professional help so that she can get perspective on her situation. I appreciate your letter and the time that you spent to address this issue. Hatzlocha!