Dear Dr. Yael,
I am happily married for several years, but one thing in my marriage has been bothering me for the past few years. When we first got married, my husband and I were basically on the same wavelength regarding hashkafic and halachic values. We wanted the same things out of life and wanted to raise our children in a similar fashion. We moved to a different community with a mix of people regarding frumkeit, and throughout the years, I feel like my husband’s values have changed. For example, recently my husband has been asking me to dress differently and go to different venues that we used to find inappropriate. I want to be attractive to my husband and I want to make him happy, but I do not agree with the way he wants me to dress. While I feel more attractive in those outfits, I know deep down that they are not following the “spirit of the law” when it comes to being tzniusdik (modest). I also understand my husband’s desire to go to a movie or to go to a comedy club, but even if we have a good time together, I feel guilty afterward as this is not something I envisioned us doing.
I know that changing can be a slippery slope and I am afraid of falling. How do I continue to be happy in my marriage while maintaining my inner sense of modesty? How can I relay this message to my husband without hurting him or hurting our marriage? If things continue as they are, how do I bring up my children to have a certain hashkafa when I am not acting in a similar manner?
A Confused Wife
Dear Confused Wife,
Thank you for your honest and heartfelt letter. You are indeed in a challenging predicament. Firstly, let me begin by stating that this question should probably be posed to a rav that you are close to. However, if your husband is embarrassed to go to a rav that you are close to this maybe a problem. I personally deal with issues like this in my practice and at times marital therapy can bolster the marriage and certain “deals” that the couples make trying to please each other can help ameliorate the situation. I can only respond from a psychological viewpoint, even though this sounds like a hashkafic shaila as well.
If your husband is seeing other women in your community dress in a certain manner, he may want you to do the same because some men have a certain sense of competition when it comes to their wives. This is not always a conscious desire. It is also possible that your husband would rather see you dressed up that way instead of other women. Perhaps you can explain to your husband that although you love to dress that way, you do not always feel comfortable dressing that way in public. Maybe you can use the outfits you have to dress up for your husband in private. If your husband is still not happy with that arrangement, then maybe you can find some outfits that he likes that you do feel more comfortable wearing in public. It may take some more time and effort, but you may be able to find some outfits that are in style and attractive, as opposed to attracting.
Regarding going out together, maybe you can take turns planning where you go, so you can show your husband what kinds of places you like. This issue is not something that I can really address as it is more up the alley of your rav, but perhaps you can limit the movies you would see to certain ratings or certain types, etc. It is important for you and your husband to enjoy going out together; however you are correct that everything you see and hear does impact you. Therefore, it may be a good idea if you come up with some alternatives that you know your husband will find fun. Also, if these are group outings, you may want to also branch out and find other friends that do other things or just go out alone. In general, it is not a good idea to always go out in groups or with the same people. Once in a while, it may be nice to meet friends, but going out alone is definitely much better for your relationship with your husband.
Regarding your husband, perhaps you can find a shiur that is given by a rav that has a great sense of humor or is very charismatic. It sounds like your husband is a fun guy and maybe has lost some of that connection to frumkeit that he once had. Torah can also be interesting and maybe your husband just needs a little push to find that connection. This has to be done very subtly and may work better if your husband has a friend to go with. You have to be careful as no husband likes to have his wife as a mashgiach. However, with a lot of love and some subtle, non-threatening hints, you may be able to get your point across. Try something like, “I heard of this great shiur that is being given on Wednesday nights, maybe it would be something you would be interested in.”
If you continue to try to maintain your inner sense of tznius and to dress and act in that manner, then your children will follow suit. Try to subtly and slowly begin to grow in these areas and you will see that it will change your household for the better. I hope these suggestions have been helpful. Please consult with a rav regarding any halachic or hashkafic issues. In addition a frum therapist may help you spice up your marriage so that other issues which may be underlying this issue can be addressed. Hatzlocha!