Dear Dr. Yael,
Hi. Like many others, I am also an avid reader of your column. I was faced with a challenge recently and decided to seek help. This is not regarding me; it’s regarding a very close friend of mine. This is a friend who I grew up with since I was an infant. She was a neighbor, a friend, and my classmate. I, as the youngest in my family, was a very spoiled and loved child. She, on the other hand, was sandwiched between ten children and came from a family with no money. But, somehow, she was like my sister. Whatever I had, she had, and wherever I went, she always came along. Whenever my father used to travel for business, he always came home with souvenirs for me and of course Faigy (not her real name). We were very close until we left school.
After school, I went to work and Faigy went to college. Growing up, we both went to a very Chassidish school in Williamsburg, so college was not really the typical trajectory for me or my friends. Once Faigy was in college, she started changing. She was always brilliant (maybe too smart), and always excelled in her schoolwork. We still kept up, but I, Baruch Hashem, got married at the age of 20 and she decided that she was not ready for marriage. This seemed fine, but in reality there was a much deeper problem going on in my friend’s life. This friend happens to have a sister who has one child and married a guy from Monroe. Right after her sister’s wedding, Faigy started changing.
Today Faigy does not keep anything with respect to Yiddishkeit. Unfortunately, my friend is very close to this sister and they both got involved with the program Footsteps. I don’t know if you are familiar with the book “the Unchosen.” It’s about Chassidish rebels. I had a talk with my friend and she directly told me that she believes in G-d, but not in Judaism, Taharas Hamishpacha and all those things. She says G-d didn’t make people come down on this world to suffer and to deny themselves.
So here is the problem. I want to be a good friend, so I keep up with Faigy. I always let Faigy know that my door is open to her. Recently, Faigy called me and said that (seems like a therapist spoke to her… the way she explained herself) we were such good friends and why should we be so disconnected from each other. She tells me she has a boyfriend who is Jewish, but non-religious. She asked if my husband and I would like to meet him and go out together. This put me in a very uncomfortable situation. Baruch Hashem, I am very open-minded and grew up in a house that’s more open than any Williamsburg family, but I always knew my limits.
What am I supposed to tell her? Is it ok for us to go out with them? It’s confusing for me, especially that they are both on the secular side. Forget about just changing a bit, these are people who don’t believe in Judaism, kosher, etc. I would appreciate your answer and I thank you very much.
A Very Concerned Friend
Dear A Very Concerned Friend,
You seem to be a very special person. Thank you for writing this important letter.
It is beautiful that you have always tried to make Faigy feel comfortable in your home and that your parents went out of their way to make her feel special and a part of your family. It is also very special that you still keep up with Faigy even though your lives have gone in very different directions. I have spoken to my Rav who feels that you should NOT MEET with this couple. He worries that this couple may try to influence you in a negative way. Kiruv is a wonderful thing to do, but it appears that you have no training in doing kiruv. He suggested that you communicate with her via email/texts. He wants you to reassure her that you care about her, but minimize your exposure to her. I will elaborate on this letter in a future column as I want to write a more comprehensive and longer answer in conjunction with my Rav regarding this question. I would also like input from my readers who are more familiar with kiruv. Kiruv can sometimes be dangerous for people who are naïve and well-meaning. I will continue with a more comprehensive answer in a future column. Please consult your own Rav as well. Hatzlocha!