Dear Dr. Yael,
I am the parent of a four-year-old girl who is driving my husband and myself crazy. Our daughter is a whiner, who complains often and seems to need a lot of attention. She is very active, has difficulty sitting still, and seems to be more difficult with us than in school. Her teachers think that she is a little difficult, but she is a bright child and seems to do well in school. Somehow she is easier to manage in school and with outsiders than with her own parents. With us, she has problems sharing, says no to most things that we ask of her, and just does not listen. She is easily upset and has frequent tantrums. She has a hard time adapting to anything new. We are going crazy with her. She is destroying our shalom bayis, since we seem to be fighting more than ever. We also have an adorable two-year-old son, who has a very lovable, easy personality. We did have her tested for ADHD and she does not have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Please help us as we are going crazy. Should we send her for therapy or should we go for therapy? What is your opinion on putting a child in child therapy who is her age?
Driven Crazy By My Child
Dear D.C.B.M.C.,
I will try to address your problem in a general manner. As a professional psychotherapist who counsels parents and runs parenting workshops, I must share that it is impossible to help you solely through my column. You must seek professional help to assess the situation more carefully. Every situation is different, but generally I prefer that parents go for therapy themselves to learn how to handle the situation before they seek direct therapy for a young child. A lot of children’s difficulties can be handled by effective parenting.
It appears that your child has some behaviors of the difficult child. Stanley Turecki, M.D., in his wonderful book The Difficult Child sees the difficult child as having problems by having a high activity level [restless, fidgety, wild impulsive], high distractibility [trouble with concentration and paying attention], high intensity [very loud and forceful], irregularity [unpredictable], negative persistence [stubborn, tantrums], low sensory threshold [physically sensitive-highly aware of color, appearance, light, sound, taste smell or temperature] some have initial withdrawal [shy and reserved with new people and situations], poor adaptability [trouble with change and transition in routine or activity] and negative mood [basically cranky]. Difficult children have some to many of these features. Their level of difficulty can be assessed by the amount and intensity of these temperament areas.
I may be mistaken by insinuating that your child has some of these problems, however, it appears this way from your letter. Therefore I will give you some tips, which may help you to handle the situation, but as a professional I encourage you to seek help to ascertain specifically what to do for your child.
The following ideas are based on Dr. Turecki’s expert parental response coupled with some of my own perspectives on how to deal with difficult children. You will probably require professional counseling to put these responses into action. They are not simple to implement.
1] Can you deal with the problem at that time? Examine your own personal feelings and mood to ascertain if you are able to handle the child effectively. If you feel that you are unable to deal rationally with the child, withdraw from the child (i.e., take a time out for yourself if you are not in the right frame of mind that’s needed to handle the situation effectively).
2] Become the parent, the leader! Try to remove your feelings from the situation and become neutral. Don’t feel that the child is purposely trying to upset you as this will just exacerbate the situation.
3] “Frame” the child’s behavior. Recognize the child’s behavior by analyzing the child’s overall actions. Keep a log of how and when the child drives you crazy. You can therefore establish patterns of behavior which will enable you to “frame” the child’s actions.
4] Does the child’s behavior reflect a problem in temperament? In such a case you must manage the child’s conduct instead of punishing the behavior.
5] Is the behavior relevant? If it isn’t relevant and important – just ignore it. Get out of the boxing ring. You should pick and choose your fights or you will be fighting all day.
6] Lastly, Effectively Punish. If it is relevant, respond by being firm and effective.
Please see a psychologist, so that you can help your daughter learn how to manage her own emotions and behavior! A knowledgeable and effective psychologist will be able to meet with you and help you parent your daughter. Furthermore, he/she will be able to assess whether your daughter needs to see a therapist or if working with you to help your daughter regulate herself successfully and to change your reactions will ameliorate the situation. I wish you hatzlocha in dealing with this challenging situation.
