Dear Dr. Yael,
I am a 21-year-old young woman who just entered the shidduch scene and need some advice in regards to a potential problem.
Several years ago my family had a major falling out with a very prominent and well-known family from our neighborhood with whom we used to be friends. Things got so ugly that both sides bad-mouthed the other. While, Baruch Hashem, that stopped, peace was never made and, because the other family is so well-liked, most people believe their version of events.
Several shadchanim, as well as a number of young men with whom I went out, have asked if I knew this family since we’re from the same neighborhood. I always say no, because we are still not on good terms and I don’t want anyone to ask them for information about us. But I do wonder what will happen if someone asks them independently? They’re very prominent, popular and well-liked, so their words will have an impact.
I was also wondering what I should say if someone asks me what happened.
Please tell me your thoughts.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
While it would be best if shalom could be made between the families, I understand that for now at least it is not possible. However, I would suggest that if the opportunity presents itself your family should take advantage of it. There is no bracha where there is machlokes.
Unfortunately, the scenario you describe is much more common than one would think. In terms of what you should tell people if asked, I think this is something that must be discussed with a rav. But I would advise saying as little as possible.
Hopefully this family, while not interested in making peace, does not wish to do your family harm and will not say anything negative about you. As it has been many years since the machlokes, they could honestly say they have no information to share. Furthermore, just because this family is more prominent than yours does not mean that they have a better reputation or that people think positively about them.
It is a very good thing that both families have moved past the bad-mouthing stage. Besides for the obvious positive outcomes of not speaking lashon hara and rechilus, chances are people have forgotten the machlokes.
It is important that you do not let this past issue affect you on your dates. Having confidence is integral when dating and it would not be smart to let this machlokes make you nervous and anxious. Hashem rules the world, not this prominent family.
Your focus should be on becoming the best person you can and staying mentally healthy.
Thank you for writing about this issue as there are many individuals struggling with similar situations. It is very sad that so many families and friends have had their relationships destroyed because of arguments over money and the like.
It is my hope that other families will learn from your situation and find a way to make shalom, long before their children are ready to get married.
Hatzlocha in this new stage in your life! Please do not get discouraged or allow this past feud to affect you personally!