Dear Readers,
Below is a letter that I received in a past column. I am reprinting it with a response from a reader that I thought was very astute.
Dear Dr. Yael,
I am a very young divorced woman with a child. People don’t know why I got divorced and seem to imply that I am from a disposable generation. However, I made every effort to save my marriage. Although my ex-husband dresses like a frum person, he is not at all frum. He wanted me to stay married to him and keep his secret. I could not see myself pretending and raising a family with such a person. He appears to be nice and is fair with me financially, but people can be cruel. They have no idea what is really going on. My ex-husband has no plans to remarry as he lives a secret, crazy life. People think that since he did not want to get divorced and I am very attractive, he is still in love with me. I promised to keep his secret because I did not want an acrimonious divorce, and he promised to treat me fairly in return. Why do people speak so much lashon hara? I feel bad for my ex-husband as he is struggling in his emunah and does not believe in Hashem. My ex-husband is afraid to hurt his parents and does not want to hurt our child. We promised each other not to speak lashon hara about each other. What do I say to others? Even my own parents are upset with me because they do not know the full extent of my ex-husband’s issues and feel that I should have tried harder to make it work. Please advise me what to do.
Anonymous
I responded to this letter with several ideas and I am printing another reader’s response to this letter.
Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing a response about a letter that was printed in your February 10th column.
This woman’s well-being is hostage to her ex-husband’s secret life as she cannot seek the emotional support she and her child need. She also may not be able to explain exactly to potential suitors which “hashkafic differences” split her first marriage. Further, she is enabling her ex-husband to avoid acknowledging his distance from Orthodoxy, which would give him a path to teshuva or moving on in his life until he is ready to do so. Without that step, he may end up repeating the past, creating and splitting another family. His spiritual equilibrium is in limbo. His secrets may also impact her financially if his instability permeates the rest of his life. While married, she may have been the anchor that slowed down his steps away from halacha, but now that she is not part of his life, who knows what will be.
I think it would be a good idea for this woman and her ex-husband to meet with his parents and come up with options that are loving and that will not shame the family. I assume they will need rabbinic guidance in selecting the option that best conforms to halacha. Certainly the “keep-my-secret” option cannot be the best for all involved. Don’t be surprised if the parents are keeping a secret that they know of their son’s secret life.
There are so many pitfalls to this “keep-my-secret” resolution. Later in life, their son may realize that the behavior around him, which seemed so normal at the time, was really the product of an attempt to shield him from “the awfulness” of his father’s true life. Will he then inappropriately disavow his father? Will he subconsciously pick up on the secrecy and have difficulties because of it? The way things are handled now will affect their son’s future relationship with his father and his overall well-being.
The key might be to teach their son that people can have lifestyles that are different from ours, but they can still be a part of our family (but you don’t have to opt to marry them or be comfortable living with them.) One lie begets another until you stop seeing the truth. I believe that a negotiated, truthful approach will provide dignity to all involved and in a way that allows a simple response to inquisitiveness: my ex-husband and I get along well and together we realized, with daas Torah, that we needed to continue our lives apart. She does not need to reveal any secrets to others outside the family or to anyone who will not be affected by her ex-husband’s secret, but I’m not sure secrecy within the family is a healthy way to continue.
Sincere regards,
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
Thank you for your astute response. You have many valid points that need to be considered. Ultimately, this woman needs to consult with an adam gadol to help her navigate how to handle this situation in the best way.
