Dear Dr. Yael:
On a regular basis I feel torn between my husband and my mother. Although I love them both, they never seem to get along, and each one feels I should be taking his or her side. When we are all together, I feel very tense, especially when they start making negative comments towards each other. My husband will often make jokes about whatever my mother says in front of the children. He says that he loves my parents and cares about them, but he does not like them. He says that they make me tense and expect too much from me as a daughter. He also feels that my mother gives us too much free advice. I must say that when they need his help, he runs to assist and whenever there has been a health crisis, he has been there.
However, my mother feels my husband treats her poorly and that at her age she is allowed to say whatever she wants. She says that no matter what she says, he gets upset.
I’d appreciate any advice you can give me.
Torn Between Two People I Love
Dear Torn:
The in-law relationship is a difficult one and there may very often be conflict. Comedians make a good living telling jokes about mothers-in-law for good reasons. While fathers-in-law can play a significant role in a couple’s life, mothers-in-law can have a difficult time separating from their children.
In your case it seems that both your mother and your husband are vying to be first place in your life. In addition, your mother may think she is being helpful when she gives advice, while your husband sees her as intrusive.
What you need to understand is that your mother is trying to maintain some control over your life and instead of being upset with her, try to recognize her feelings. She raised you and it is difficult for her to totally let go – and her intentions are probably positive.
Both parties need to become more tolerant of one another. It would be helpful if you told them separately and then together that you love them both very much and that the feeling of being torn between them is killing you.
The Gemara tells us that testimony delivered by a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law is not considered valid. Thus, if a mother-in-law claims that a daughter-in-law was unfaithful to her son, her word alone is not accepted.
This teaches us that a mother often has difficulty separating from her child and may be inclined to speak negatively about the spouse whom she feels took her child away from her. Although your mother should respectfully be asked to direct her advice to you, your husband must also learn to have respect and tolerance for your mother. It is especially important for him not to make jokes about your mother in front of your children. Children learn by example and I am sure that when your husband will be the in-law, he will expect tolerance and respect from his own son-in-law or daughter-in-law. In addition this behavior may encourage the children to be disrespectful to their grandmother.
Perhaps you can examine what your mother’s own relationship was like with her own mother-in-law. Imago theory deals with the background issues that people bring to their relationships. We often repeat patterns and your mother may be subconsciously bringing to her relationship behavior that she learned from her in-laws.
In addition, if your husband grew up seeing his parents disrespecting their in-laws this may have left a deep subconscious impression. Are you yourself respectful to your husband’s parents? Is he in some manner reacting to any inappropriate behavior that you are manifesting to his parents?
These are all simply questions, as I do not know the particulars of your situation. It may be prudent for you to speak to a professional therapist. For now, the most important thing you can do is make your husband and mother feel special when you are with them individually. You can also try to spend more time with your mother alone. Make sure they both know how much they each mean to you and how much this situation hurts you. Tell them you don’t want to take sides, as it is impossible choice you should never have to make.
I wish you hatzlacha in this challenging role that you are playing.