Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about my feelings of depression. I am a young woman in shidduchim. My parents try hard to set me up, but I am often disappointed in the boys that I date. I am very frum (religious), but I want to marry a boy who will work. It appears that in today’s climate, it is hard to find a boy who is really religious and will take on the responsibility of working. It is really starting to weigh on me that I am not “in the box,” which limits my options tremendously. In the past, I have struggled with feelings of depression, but I fought my way out of it. Recently, I feel that this situation is magnifying my depression and bringing some of those old feelings back. Please help.
A Single Girl in Distress
Dear Single Girl in Distress,
It seems like you are dealing with two separate issues. Having depression is really difficult, and it’s something that we will need to address. It appears that the difficulty in the shidduch process is exacerbating your underlying depression, but it is imperative to deal with the depression separately from what you are experiencing in the dating world. Because you have fought depression before, you probably have some of the techniques that I will share with you. Sometimes it helps to revisit and “go back to the basics.”
Research shows that the best way to fight depression is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). When we feel depressed, we are likely giving our brains negative messages about ourselves and our life. Cognitive behavioral therapy works to reverse these negative messages and replace them with positive, rational messages. For example, let’s say you are telling yourself that you will never get married because the world is insane and there’s no one out there for you. Telling yourself this message over and over again will definitely make you feel depressed. Even if you do not say this to yourself outright, it may be a subconscious message you are playing repeatedly in your brain. Sometimes people do not even realize or tune into the messages they are giving themselves, but if someone is feeling anxious or depressed, they have an anxious or negative narrative in their head, even if they are not aware of it. Once the person can become aware of these negative messages, they need to try to replace them with positive messages and repeat those positive messages repeatedly until they can change those neural pathways (at some point the positive messages will become automatic instead of the negative ones, which is likely how you fought your depression in the past). If someone has a hard time thinking of positive messages to replace those negative messages, I often tell people to think about what they would tell a friend or someone they love in the same situation. We are often our own worst critics and are much kinder to our friends/loved ones. When I reframe this for people, they often have a totally different response if it was to a friend. After they have the positive, rational message, they can begin to use it towards themselves and change their neural pathways.
Most negative and anxious messages we give ourselves are irrational. In your case, it is not true that there is no one out there for you and that you will never get married (I know that I made up this negative message, but I imagine that you are telling yourself this or something similar). Yes, the shidduch world is difficult and in the yeshivishe world, it is definitely challenging to find someone who says they will work if they are more religious (though many boys will do this, apparently it has become taboo to say out loud); however, there are many other people out there who think differently. The Yeshiva University world is still very much Torah U’Madah (Torah and work). Perhaps you need to shift your search towards communities that share your values; rather than sticking to the yeshivishe world only. There are some extremely frum boys out there who also feel the responsibility to work and financially take care of their family. Perhaps these boys will have some different views than you or a different upbringing, but if most of your hashkafos (worldviews or guiding philosophies) match, then it can definitely work.
It is also important to try to incorporate exercise and things you enjoy doing into your daily routine. Exercise increases endorphins (a type of “feel-good” brain chemical) which improves people’s mood tremendously. Walking with a positive friend, a dance class, swimming, or any type of exercise that you enjoy can really improve your mood tremendously. Doing things that bring you joy will help as well. You are in a challenging tekufah (time period) of your life, but you can choose to find happiness and not let yourself drown in the negativity. If you do not find these ideas are enough, please seek professional help to help you fight your depression and get back to feeling like yourself. Hatzlacha!
