Dear Dr. Yael,
I read your column on confusing friendships. I myself have such a friendship. I know it is unhealthy and I need to break it off. Please help me deal with this Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde relationship. I found the column to be very helpful. I would appreciate you explaining more about these friendships and any tips as to how to break it off.
A Reader
Dear A Reader,
After writing the column I did a lecture on this topic for Aneinu, which is recorded on my line on Kol Haloshen. One way I saw this relationship explained is Frenemies. A “frenemy” is a friend and an enemy. Let me share some warning signs of such a relationship. 1] They talk about you behind your back. We all sometimes talk loshen hara, but in these situations these frenemies can spread rumors about things that you have told them or even make things up about you. Even if they are just sharing information you shared with them privately, this is a serious breach of your privacy and your friendship. 2] With a frenemy their needs are always more important than your needs. When you have needs, you are being self-centered, but they expect you to drop everything and comfort them when they need you, even to the detriment of your own needs. 3] Frenemies are always asking for favors. The support with a frenemy is one-sided. They need so many favors, but they have no time to do favors for you. Often this is not done in an obvious way, so you are made to feel bad if you cannot come through for them. Frenemies may do big things for you once in a while, so you feel that the friendship is reciprocated, which makes it more confusing. 4] A frenemy only wants to talk about herself or himself. If you wish for them to ask you “How are things going with you?” it is not a good sign. 5] They are generally not happy with your success and achievements. 6] A frenemy can be passive aggressive and embarrass you publicly. They usually are unhappy, jealous people that have a hard time with being happy for others. 7] They can say that they are giving you helpful feedback, when in actuality, they are giving you hurtful criticism. 8] The jokes they make are not funny, but can be very hurtful. 9] The friendship just makes you feel anxious, upset, and/or unhappy.
I am not sure if you are involved in a frenemy relationship as you did not share any details. If you feel this is a negative relationship for you, there are positive ways to disengage from a frenemy relationship.
1] Try to decline politely when you are invited to someplace this friend will be, unless it is a wedding of a close friend or an event that you want to attend. If you do go, you can find ways to stay away from this person.
2] Think compassionate thoughts toward the frenemy since hate will upset you and is not helpful or good for you. Try to see this person as being toxic because he or she is insecure, fearful, and/or lost in their life. They may have had a traumatic childhood. However, you can disconnect from such a friend in a positive way.
3] You can talk to this friend about needing space or a break for your own reasons. You can say as much as you want, but do it in a nice manner. Don’t feel you have to share too much.
4] If the friend calls you to ask you a favor or to go out, you can choose to do the chesed, or politely say you are not available. You can also politely decline any invitations to hang out, but if your friend is not getting the message, even after having a conversation about needing time apart, you will have to be stronger and more direct and nicely just state that while you appreciate your friendship, you cannot continue being friends at this time and would appreciate if she would stop calling you.
5] Speak kindly about this person by changing the topic when the person comes up and saying something like “I haven’t seen her in a while, but I hope she is doing well.”
I wish you hatzlacha in dealing with this challenging situation.
