Dear Dr. Yael,
My daughter who is sixteen is always jealous of her friends. We try to provide for her generously, but her friends’ families are richer than we are. She is always feeling that she is missing out and does not have as much fun as they have. They go on expensive trips, go out a lot, and buy expensive things, etc. We have a loving home, and I want her to appreciate the brachos that she has. Please help us.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
It sounds like your daughter is struggling with FOMO. It’s a term that means fear of missing out. It’s a fear of regret thinking that others are having more fun, living better lives, or experiencing better things than you are. It involves a deep sense of envy and affects self-esteem. The phenomenon is increasingly more common and can cause stress to one’s life.
As you mentioned, it will help your daughter if she can focus on the brachos in her life. A loving home is a great treasure. There are parents that give children money and material gifts, but do not give their children time and love. It is difficult to be a teenager in today’s day and age. It is hard to keep up and feel good amongst all of this gashmius (materialistic things). Perhaps you can try to spend some more one-on-one time with your daughter and praise her ability to withstand such a materialistic world. Explain to her that you understand it is hard to see what everyone else has and that you will do your best to give her what you can, but that her friend’s lives are unrealistic. Maybe you both can start a gratitude journal where you write down 1-2 things a day that you are grateful for. Maybe you can do it together nightly, so you get to spend some meaningful time together. This will help your daughter focus on the things she does have, which will help her feel less jealous and will decrease her desire for more things. Appreciating what one has is extremely valuable and can make us feel happier in life.
Additionally, when you spend special, alone time with your daughter and give her undivided attention, you can build her self-esteem by giving her specific praise and just by making her feel valuable because of the time and positive attention you are giving her. The more self-esteem your daughter has, the less envious she will be of others. This, in it itself, will help her focus on her own brachos (blessings) that she has in her life. The grass is always greener on the other side. Just because her friends have more material things, doesn’t mean they are enjoying quality time or having more fun and happiness. Traveling and trips don’t make people happy. In fact, when children get too much gashmius (materialism) when they are younger, they can become jaded and enjoy less what they have as adults. Your daughter is looking at the surface gloss. Spending quality time with her loving family is actually more fun and ego building.
Lastly, is it possible that money and materialism was/is inadvertently valued in your family? Perhaps your family talks about other people’s homes or cars at the Shabbos table or other times the family is together? Maybe someone in your family also pines for materialism and is unknowingly passing this on as a value? If you take a step back and see that your family discusses materialistic things more than you realized, you may also have to change this. Sometimes we do not realize that we are imparting values by the things we talk about and highlight in our conversations. If this is the case, it’s important to try to change these conversions to other things that you actually value, so that your conversations revolve around your true values, which will then be imparted to your family. Hatzlacha in helping your daughter change her perspective and find true happiness.
