Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about a dilemma that I am facing. I live in a beautiful house for over forty years. I live in a community where most of my block has moved to live near their married children since our community is not affordable and our children buy houses in communities which are more affordable. Many of our children want us to sell our house and move to a 55-lus community. I have my doubts since I still have friends in my community, we love our shul, and my husband loves the davening here and learning the daf yomi. I also still have a business that I own and run in my community. I do have other married children who do not want me to move since it will be very difficult for them to come to us or for us to come to them. Many of my friends have sold their homes, made a lot of money, and moved to such a community. Some are happy and some are unhappy with the move. They miss our community, and it is a very hard adjustment for them. My husband has mixed feelings. He is retired and loves to learn. He said its up to me. However, he has a great chavrusa and loves many things about our house and community. I would like to hear your ideas about this kind of move. We can afford for me not to work, but I love my business which I run from my home. We love your column and would appreciate your advice.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
There are many issues that you raise. First, it is difficult to move from a house and a community that you have lived in for over 40 years. Secondly, if you love your work and even if you are of age to retire, it is healthy for you to work as long as you possibly are able to work. It is good for you emotionally and cognitively to keep working as long as it’s enjoyable and not stressful.
It seems to me that you are very happy with your life. Your husband loves your shul and his chavrusa. You should move if you want to move, but you shouldn’t feel pressured by what other people do or by what other people tell you to do. You can visit your children, and they can visit you.
Many of these communities are great for people who want to have more friends, entertain, do activities, but it seems like you are quite happy in your current situation. I don’t know you, so this is a difficult question to answer. I think you must decide ultimately where you will be most comfortable and happy. As people get older, it becomes difficult to change their routines that work for them.
Maslow came up with something called the ‘Hierarchy of Needs.’ His theory was that in order to work on self-actualization, you first need to meet your own basic needs (food, water, shelter, etc.), as well as your psychological needs, safety needs, love and belonging needs, and self-esteem/feeling appreciated needs.
At the base of the pyramid are physiological needs, these are the most basic things a human being needs to survive like air, water, food, sleep, shelter, and clothing. Next is safety needs, which encompasses physical protection from danger, health, and well-being, as well as economic/financial security. The next layer is love and belonging needs, which includes a sense of “fitting in,” family and social relationships, and other community connections. Next on the pyramid is esteem needs, which are feeling appreciated, self-esteem and respect, recognition, and freedom. Lastly, at the top of the pyramid is self-actualization needs, this is the sense that you are fulfilling your full potential to be your best self in this life. As noted above, Maslow theorized that in order to reach self-actualization, you first need to work on all of the other needs. Some people feel more free when moving to a senior community because a lot of their needs are met there and they can work on self-actualization because they are freed up when their other needs are being met. For you, this may be to have time to work on any hobbies you would like to pursue or devote more time to your children or to chesed. Maybe this would give your husband more time to learn. Either way, you need to figure out what will give you and your husband the most happiness and help you and your husband be the most productive.
No one else should make this decision for you. Your husband needs to be a huge part of this decision as well. He may feel it is right to let you make such the decision, however he needs to be happy and content, and moving is not simple.
I wish you hatzlacha in whatever decision you make. May you continue to have GEFEN – Gezunt, parnassah and nachas from your family!
