Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about my wife who I found out has some traits of a covert narcissist. I don’t really understand what this means, but as I begin to research the topic, I realize that indeed I am living with a wife that ruins some good times that I should be “allowed” to experience. Most people see my wife as a great woman and an eishes chayil. My wife has a need to seem amazing to others and does a lot of outside chesed. We have teenage children and they do love my wife. She has a very important job and is well regarded in the community. She can be amazing to our children, so I am not sure if she is really narcissistic. I think she does love me as well as the children; however, her need to be important to others often transcends everything. I never thought of her in this way until someone close to me pointed this out. I want to remain married to my wife as I love her. She is also a great homemaker and runs a spotless home, with delicious dinners every night. My wife is very capable and organized. I am not sure this person is correct as this person is family and is jealous of me. Please help me sort this out, so I can go back to being a happy husband.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
It is inappropriate that a member of your family decides to be “helpful” by diagnosing your wife. This is the true power of lashon hara (evil speech) as now you are doubting your wife’s sincereness and mental health. I will present what covert narcissism means, so you can get a better idea as to what it means. However, the fact that your wife is a good mother, wife, and tries to run a functional household demonstrates that she is likely a loving person, which does not usually go hand in hand with covert narcissism.
Even though you feel your wife’s chesed transcends your wants and needs, you also mention that your wife makes sure your home is run well and is good to you and your children.
A covert narcissist is sometimes called a vulnerable narcissist and can be emotionally fragile and very sensitive to criticism. Covert narcissists may outwardly show what looks like empathy, but their underlying purpose is to get you to engage with them so they serve their own needs in some way.
Covert narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance and an excessive need for admiration. They often appear shy and withdrawn. Common narcissistic traits include having a strong sense of self-importance, experiencing fantasies about fame or glory, exaggerating self abilities, craving admiration, exploiting others, and lacking empathy. The only difference between covert narcissists and overt (more obvious) narcissists is that covert narcissists tend to be more introverted. An overt narcissist is more easily identified because they are usually loud, arrogant, insensitive to the needs of others, and always looking for compliments. Covert narcissists have poor empathy and disregard for others. Your wife may have insecurities, however, her priorities seem to be in the right place. I don’t know if she means to ruin your good times or if she feels she is missing something in your relationship. Perhaps your wife uses her chesed to escape feelings of insecurity or she really enjoys giving to others and sometimes mistakenly prioritizes that over you.
Do you feel there is jealousy on your end at all? Are you leaving your wife out when you arrange a fun outing or attend an outside function you enjoy? It is unclear what is really going on here, but if you and your teenage children love your wife (which you noted that you all do), please don’t listen to this so-called “helpful” family member that is truly not helpful. It is unhealthy to all of a sudden see something that you never saw before. If your wife was truly a covert narcissist, you would likely be very unhappy in your marriage and you would want to leave. Perhaps there are other issues at play and it would be prudent to seek professional help from a competent therapist to help you manage these new feelings that may or may not be based on real issues.
It is difficult to write this column as I truly don’t know the dynamics of what is transpiring in your family life. With podcasts, social media, and so much pop psychology, so many people think that they can diagnose others without knowing what is transpiring in their life. Please seek help to see if you are being too sensitive or if indeed your wife is hurting you in any manner. Either way, you and your wife can likely figure this out together and learn how to better relate to each other. I wish you hatzlacha in dealing with this matter.
