Dear Dr. Yael,
As an avid reader of your column, I never thought I would be sending in a question about marriage, life and parnassah all rolled into one, but Hashem has his ways and so, here goes: About a year ago, I lost my job that paid quite well. I have built up my experience to over 20 years in finance, management, and business development. For whatever reason, the board of directors wanted to change CEOs (the new one only lasted eight months after me!) and, being a public company, they quickly made changes. OK. Life happens, so I began to search for a new job utilizing LinkedIn, my network of former colleagues and peers in several industries, utilized a couple of recruiting firms and so on. All for naught (as of now) as I have been unable to find a job; the stress level due to finances is at an all-time high, and it is reaching the point of “can we afford to be married?” Meanwhile, my brother-in-law (he should continue to be matzliach) runs a phenomenally successful business and lives quite comfortably (he is still single, in his thirties, goes on vacations to incredible destinations and so on).
The crux: He employs “strangers,” who are not related to him, but fill various roles. Employees come and go, though his business is stable, and he continues to do well, and I keep wondering: He SEES how much hardship and pain his sister and I are going through, and yet he cannot offer me a basic job so we can collect some kind of paycheck? (We all know many, many families have a family business and employ members of the family for this very reason.) Of course, he does not “owe” me anything, but he has been approached by his sister (and me), and nothing. I find it unfathomable that he can watch a sibling (relatively small family, only two other siblings – both not in need of his financial help) and her husband suffer, and further employ strangers when he knows I have worked at well-known companies, doing a variety of tasks, and that “no job is too small.” Something is better than nothing. SO?! He still doesn’t “owe” me anything, but his sister and I (we do not have children; we got married in our 40s) are on the brink of divorce because the financials have made it so difficult to stay married, she would be better off going back to live in the house (for free; no cost) he lives in alone (family home, now vacant except for him) and I would go live with my parents (also rent free). Does he really want his sister getting divorced for material reason because we cannot pay rent or have any needed basic benefits, insurance, so on? (Of course not; but I cannot think of anything else.) Suggestions? Comments?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I am printing your column with an answer in the hope that you will send this letter to your brother-in-law, and it will impact the way he is treating you, his sister, and your marriage.
I heard this story, and I am not sure of its origins, but I know it will ring true for many of my readers. There was a huge wealthy askan that had an extremely poor brother who was struggling. He enjoyed giving tzedakah and getting public acknowledgement for his generosity. A great Rav heard about this situation and his brother’s plight and asked him if he could find time in his busy schedule to see him. The rich askan told him he would find time and was shocked when this important Rav showed up at his office. The rich askan apologized and said to the Rav that he never expected the Rav to come to his office. He would have gone to the Rav. The Rav then said I am prevailing upon you to help your brother who is struggling so hard to make a parnassah. The rich askan was embarrassed but then realized that he must help his brother.
What is so sad and powerful about this story is that so many people will help others where they get recognition for what they do but will not help a family member where they get no public recognition. I know that this story will resonate with many of my readers, and I hope it will help you in your plight. Hatzlacha!
