Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing this letter with the hopes that sharing my pain can give a word of wisdom to anyone who reads it. I have changed a few facts in order to protect my identity.
Psychotherapy is a modality that is almost always recommended on this and other advice columns, for complex issues, and has become in vogue in recent years. What I hadn’t ever read, heard, or had the slightest inkling about, is the torturous emotional pain and trauma that can come as a result of the therapy itself, even with a therapist who is a licensed professional, ethical, and kind. The therapeutic process can take a person in need of help, and turn him into a madman.
I am a married man in my thirties, and sought psychotherapy because of depression, anxiety and an unhappy and lonely marital situation. I found a licensed clinical social worker, who happens to be a woman, and was recommended by family members. I embarked on a course of therapy which was strictly online, and the method was mainly psychodynamic. For about a half a year, I viewed the social worker as nothing more than a person whom I have entrusted to help me work through various traumas and pain. After many months of sessions, I developed warm and close feelings towards her, and they became stronger as time went on. I started doing research and read that it’s a common phenomenon, called “transference” and it can be beneficial to tell the therapist about those emotions. In that way, you can work together on the reasons for the transference. Perhaps it’s a reflection of the closeness you lack in your current or younger life.
I have since learned that transference in psychology is the unconscious act of transferring feelings about someone from the past onto the therapist. Transference can be with positive or negative feelings from your past that get put onto the therapist, and is actually an essential part of the therapy.
My transference led me down a spiral of unwanted thoughts and desires, longing for the types of aveiras I had never dreamed possible. There was nothing I wanted more than to marry her, and the yearnings had become obsessive and tormenting, increasing in intensity as time went on. She assured me many times that the feelings were one-sided, but totally normal. She had no mutual feeling whatsoever, and managed the issue with tact, support and grace.
Because of her total lack of those feelings, not even an iota of them, I felt a dagger in the heart, and a ton of bricks crushing my skull. I know it sounds melodramatic, and possibly immature, but I am being totally honest. The communicated lack of reciprocity was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. Eventually, the therapy had to be discontinued because of the harm it was causing me.
I believe that I went into therapy with naivete, and that the psychological professionals should offer a type of disclaimer, or warning, before starting with a patient. In that way, an informed consent can be made. I presume a negative transference can be equally harmful. Psychological professionals could give a general advisory that therapy can evoke deeply painful and disturbing feelings, some of which can be novel, unexpected, and cause lifelong scars.
I am still damaged from the experience even though much time has passed, but the good news is that my marriage is in a much better state in every way, I believe due to my and my wife’s individual counseling. Couples counseling never helped because we ended up fighting more.
We are now both aware of our own and each other’s trigger points, and how to avoid them. I still believe in the benefit of counseling, but I feel there’s a need for awareness to be made about its downside, so people can make informed choices.
A Reader
Dear A Reader,
I appreciate your letter and would like to make some comments about your experience. You mention that this was a negative transference, but actually this type of transference happens often and most of the time, it is not a reason to discontinue therapy. As long as you do the work needed to understand your feelings and come to the realization that this love is not real, you can grow from this type of transference. However, you must understand that it is not real feelings, rather, it’s a transference of feelings.
It is hard to say where the therapeutic relationship went wrong, but it would be hard for all therapists to put a disclaimer about transference of loving feelings as often this does not occur. A skilled therapist should be able to work through these feelings with you to help you gain insight into your underlying wants, needs, motivations, and fears. This understanding can ultimately help you get to a place of recovery and mental health. Every therapist is different, but perhaps you needed someone who was able to take the focus off of her emotions entirely and help you process your underlying emotions.
I’m sorry this was a negative experience for you, but you mention that your marriage is better than ever, so obviously you were helped at the end in the best way. Additionally, your comment about couples therapy is very on point. I also agree with conducting marital therapy with each party separately for a while in order to be careful not to hurt the marital relationship further. My own approach is to be sensitive to not open up with a client issues that are too painful and cannot be closed in that session. Therapy is not simple. I appreciate your letter and hope that it will sensitize others to these issues. Thank you for sharing this important letter. Hatzlacha!
