Dear Dr. Yael,
I often feel like a victim in my marriage. I have been married for many years to an angry husband. We have wonderful married children and grandchildren. My husband makes a lot of money and is generous to me. Please address how to deal with being a victim of his anger.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
An angry spouse can be very difficult as it can drain your energy, leaving you to feel unheard and frustrated. It is also scary to have to deal with anger on a constant basis. There are skills that can be helpful when dealing with an angry spouse.
De-escalate situations. When a partner is angry, they are usually not rational. If you respond in anger, it will just escalate the situation. The calmer you remain in these situations, the quicker their anger will resolve. Eventually people calm down, especially when there isn’t more emotional intensity added to the mix.
Don’t be a pushover. It is important to be respectful and assertive. You can respectfully share your wants and feelings while considering your spouse’s wants and feelings as well. Do this in a confident, honest, and open manner. You will feel empowered that you are speaking up and you will also empower your spouse to take responsibility as well.
Make sure to validate your spouse and communicate constructively. People often act in an angry manner because they do not think they are being heard, being taken seriously, and/or appreciated. Try to actively listen to your spouse so they feel heard and understood. Validating someone’s feelings can help them so much as it is one of the ways we communicate acceptance of ourselves and others. This does not mean you need to agree with what your spouse is saying. Rather, you need to recognize and consider your spouse’s perspective so he feels heard.
Realize anger is just a cover up for feelings of fear, sadness, pain, insecurity. Your spouse may not be able to access these deeper emotions or he is trying to cover it up with a shield of anger because anger makes us feel powerful and in control. Unfortunatel anger also makes people feel bad about themselves afterward because they realize they lost control. Being patient and compassionate with your spouse may help you uncover some of these underlying emotions, which will help the anger subside. Empathy can also help calm anger as when a spouse feels he is being understood the anger dissipates.
Try speaking to your spouse when he is calm. If either you or your spouse is upset, this is not the right time to speak about any issues. When you are emotionally angry, take time to calm yourself because anger fuels anger and calming promotes a calmer atmosphere.
Engage is self-care. It is very important for you to take care of your emotional needs by exercising, getting out with friends, seeking your own therapist, etc. These will help you feel stronger and more able to deal with anger when it comes up.
Work on communication. Communication is very important for healthy relationships. Without good communication, you can have difficulties such as assuming you know what the other person is thinking and then reacting poorly because of your assumption.
Try to focus on your husband’s positive points. Maybe write down 1-2 good things about your husband daily and something you are grateful for. This can increase positivity which will improve the relationship.
Make sure you eat healthy and sleep. Taking care of your basic needs will also help you stay calm and be able to deal with what comes your way.
Surround yourself with positive people so you can remain more positive and happy. It is not your responsibility to change your husband’s negativity or anger, but you can help inject more positivity into your life and your relationship.
Try having more fun with your spouse. This can also help inject positivity into your relationship.
Don’t see yourself as a victim. You need to become more assertive in a healthy and calm manner and not let anger take over your life.
Hatzlacha with this challenging situation. Anger is heard to deal with, but you can learn how to be more assertive and not get sucked into the negativity. Please seek professional help to assist you in changing the dance moves to your marriage so it becomes calmer.
