Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about the anxiety that I get when my in-laws come for Shabbos. I try very hard to please them. My mother-in-law is very critical of me. My husband tries to defend me. He often says “I picked you, so you must demonstrate derech eretz, Hashem gave me a difficult mother.” I try hard to please but she is a negative person. Please advise me what to do.
A Daughter-in-Law in Pain
Dear Daughter-in-Law in Pain,
The mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship is very tricky, and it is even brought down in Gemara how difficult this relationship can be. At this point you are likely more nervous because you are anticipating feeling badly about yourself when your mother-in-law is around. This anticipatory anxiety is usually probably worse than the actual event. It is important that you try to talk to yourself before your mother-in-law comes and prepare yourself for whatever she may say. I’m sure you know by now that her comments are not an accurate description of you. Even though it hurts when she speaks this way, you need to tell yourself that whatever she is saying is not true. You may not like my response to this column because it’s going to be very difficult for you, but you have the power to not allow her comments to affect you.
The first thing you’re going to have to do is work on yourself to not be nervous when she comes as this already puts you in a mood where you feel upset and more sensitive. Once you are upset and more sensitive, it is much harder to deal with negativity. Before your mother-in-law comes, it is imperative that you exercise, do something you enjoy, and/or treat yourself so that you are as calm as you can possibly be. Swimming is an excellent exercise to fight anxiety and it can put you in an extremely calm state. If this is not an exercise you enjoy, find something you enjoy and make sure that you do it right before your mother-in-law comes. It is also important to talk to yourself about how amazing you are and that your mother-in law’s negative comments have nothing to do with you or the actual reality of the situation, as mentioned above. Perhaps you can ask your husband to remind you of this when you in-laws are there as well as it is harder to deal with these feelings in the moment, and everyone can use a positive and calming word when feeling put down. If you are able to keep calm and be positive, it will definitely improve the situation. No matter what your mother-in-law says, responding with calmness and positivity can defuse tense situations and prevent conflicts from escalating. It is also important to set clear boundaries. If you can communicate your boundaries and expectations clearly and respectfully, you might be able to establish some sort of mutual understanding.
While no mother-in-law has the right to be critical and hurt her daughter-in-law, it may be helpful to empathize with your mother-in-law’s feelings over “losing her son.” It is not easy for a mother-in-law to see a son completely devoted to his wife instead of her. Of course, a healthy mother-in-law will be thrilled to see that her son is happily married and devoted to his wife, but there is definitely room to understand that this is also a “loss” for her. A smart mother-in-law will realize that she really gained a daughter and will learn how to have a good relationship with her daughter-in-law, so that she only gains. However, not everyone is emotionally healthy and can understand this. If you can try to empathize with your mother-in-law’s feelings and understand her perspective, it may make it easier for you not to take her comments personally and instead see them as her reaction to feeling a loss.
If you feel that you are unable to deal with the anxiety, or the painful feelings on your own, please seek out professional help. A lot of people go for help to learn how to deal with difficult people in their life. A therapist can help you learn better coping skills, when it comes to your mother-in-law, and how to communicate in the best way with her. Lastly, compliments can always help. I know it sounds crazy to compliment someone who is putting you down, however, when you compliment someone, you disarm them. I have seen much success with this technique. It is amazing to see how complimenting someone completely changes the entire situation. For example, if your mother-in-law criticizes you on something, instead of responding to whatever she said, compliment her. She will not know what to do with this response and it will most likely diffuse the situation immediately. You may even get a compliment in response! Hatzlacha with this difficult situation and may Hashem give you the koach and confidence you need to be strong and calm going forward.
