Dear Dr. Yael,
I’m a 16-year-old girl in the 11th grade. I think of myself as a well-settled teenager. In school, socially and academically, I’m doing great. I do, however, have a problem controlling my emotions. I happen to be quite sensitive and emotional. There are times when I am having a conversation with my parents on a regular topic and I can feel the tears starting to form, but then I start to laugh at the same time. I am not even sure why it is that the crying starts. As I said, I have good friends, do well in school and am basically a happy person.
I have dubbed this the automatic reaction. Automatically I cry for no reason – and it is driving me crazy. Is there any advice you can give me?
Teary Eyed
Dear Teary Eyed,
Some people cry easily while other people hardly ever cry. Psychologists have largely defined crying as “a natural response to certain feelings, usually sadness and hurt.” However, people also cry under other circumstances as it can be a release of energy with feelings. Furthermore, crying may have a biochemical purpose as it is believed to release stress hormones or toxins from the body. There are actually three different types of tears: basal, which sit in our eyes all day for protection; reflex, which appear in response to a physical irritation (e.g., onion-chopping) and emotional.
In the 1980s, biochemist William H. Frey, PhD, found that women cry an average of 5.3 times a month, while men only cry an average of 1.3 times per month. By the way, he defines crying as anything from moist eyes to full-on sobbing. Biologically, women have higher levels of the hormone prolactin, which seems to promote crying, whereas testosterone seems to inhibit it. And research has shown that it is more socially acceptable for women to cry.
Some people cry more easily when they are tired. Research from the University of Pennsylvania has shown that getting less than 5 hours of sleep a night can lead to increased irritability and sadness. If this is true in your case, as it can be for teenagers, try to get more sleep. The National Sleep Foundation recommends 7-8 hours of sleep a night.
Feeling stressed can also increase episodes of crying. Although you mentioned that you are not stressed out and your life is going well, Baruch Hashem, you cannot rule this out without thinking it through. Do you feel overwhelmed by many responsibilities? Are you stressed out over school or family issues? Are social situations making you feel more anxious? Frequent crying can also be a sign of increased feelings of depression or dysthymia. When someone is severely depressed, he or she usually feels numb, but dysthymia, a less severe form of depression, usually causes more frequent bouts of crying.
It would be a good idea for you to meet with a competent psychologist who can help you assess this in one or two sessions.
Finally, hormones definitely increase crying episodes. Do you find yourself crying more at certain times of the month? If yes, you may just be experiencing a surge of hormones, which is nothing to worry about. If this is truly bothering you, it may be a good idea to speak with your doctor as there can be a biological reason for your crying, which may be helped by medical intervention.
You can also try a cognitive-behavioral approach to help you stop crying. Try calming yourself down when you feel the tears coming and distracting yourself from whatever the current situation is. Training your body to react differently will hopefully help you stop crying. If you cannot seem to distract yourself, try telling yourself, “Stop crying, there’s no reason to cry now.” You will need to work on changing your thoughts (cognitions), so that your tears will not come. By practicing this often when you are not crying and then using the technique when you are, you will slowly start to change your thoughts, which will help change your behavior (i.e., diminish your crying). I hope these ideas have been helpful! Hatzlocha!