Dear Dr. Yael,
I am friends with a woman who has a strong personality. She can at times become upset and will often say nobody cares about her. Other times she can be smart and witty and very charming. Once she made a scene at our Shabbos table and when I tried to set boundaries, she started crying, and I felt so bad. She was then quiet. She comes to eat in our house for Shabbos and she is alone. She is divorced and is estranged from her siblings. Please help me understand what may be going on with her. She works and seems to function. She is bright and successful at her job. She can also be very generous as she is very successful financially. Sometimes I think she is narcissistic. Can you give me some advice on how to handle her since she is a neighbor and needs a place to eat on Shabbos? My husband is a tzaddik and tries to help me not get upset. My teenage children joke about her, and she often buys them each outrageously expensive gifts. I am the one who gets upset, but my family mostly jokes about her. I am confused and would appreciate your advice.
A Reader
Dear Reader,
I am going to posit you some theories but it is difficult to know what is really going on in this situation. There are narcissistic people who are very self absorbed and try to buy generous gifts when they get people angry. There is a cycle when the narcissist becomes enraged and starts to bully and when people get upset with the narcissist they switch into victim mode. It can become very confusing for a caring person who tries to be nice especially when the narcissistic person then switches to becoming very needy and giving gifts to compensate for their poor behavior. There are also other disorders that may fit your friend’s descriptions, but it is hard to know from your question what is going on.
In your situation, you sound like a person who wants to do chesed but you are stuck in a situation where you are dealing with a very complicated, needy person. If you can assure yourself that you have done nothing wrong and not let any negative response get to you, this will help you not feel as upset. This is very difficult to do as having your friend probably makes you anxious that she may get upset with you, but making boundaries and sticking to them is key.
I can give you ideas on how to set boundaries. You must be very careful. Although you want to do chesed, this person may have a personality disorder. I don’t know the situation, but you need to protect your family and your own environment. Since your children seem to be healthy and are laughing off the situation you should perhaps limit the relationship and maintain strong boundaries. Even if your friend starts to cry with the boundaries you set, you should not back down and eventually you will see that she will respect them. I am not sure if you should allow your children to accept these gifts since this creates a certain power that she has over your family, but that is a personal decision that you can make. Perhaps your children enjoy her coming because of the gifts, so you may need to maintain this for their sanity. Additionally, your friend may feel better that she is giving gifts and may not be using it as a control factor. Whatever you decide, please make sure to continue maintaining strong boundaries and protect your family. If you ever feel it is affecting your children’s mental health, they must come before doing chesed and you cannot continue having this friend over. It may also be helpful to try to be good to yourself before and after your friend comes, so you protect your own sanity as well. I wish you hatzlacha in dealing with this situation and may your chesed be a bracha for your family!
