Dear Dr. Yael,
Unfortunately, Purim has become a difficult Yom Tov for me since my sons and sons-in-law get very drunk. My husband never drinks. It seems this is the yeshivish thing to do, and I literally ended up crying watching all of them act so crazy and watching their wives trying to keep their families safe. I don’t think my daughters or daughters-in-law like this drinking either. I don’t really think this is the proper way to celebrate Purim. None of these sons and sons-in-law have a problem with alcohol, baruch Hashem, and they generally never drink. My husband doesn’t want to say anything since we have a very close relationship with all our children who are married and he doesn’t want to mess it up. Because this is only a once a year issue, I also have let it go time and time again, but I do not know if this is the right approach going forward. I love your column and I am curious as to your response.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I want you to know that you are not alone in this dilemma and drinking has made Purim a challenging Yom Tov for many women. I am not a Rav but I know there are men who do not drink on Purim and keep all the other mitzvos. Drinking excessively can be detrimental to your brain cells. Getting drunk makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Maybe you can regulate the amount that they drink in your home? I understand your husband’s quest not to say anything to the children, however maybe the fact that the Yom Tov has become so crazy for you and the women in your family, as well as for your husband, can be brought up diplomatically at a calm time.
You can try to share with them the following: Drinking on Purim to be tipsy and say dvar Torahs is one thing, but getting drunk to the point of losing control is very dangerous. Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, a world renowned addictions expert, says, “Experience shows that particularly young people who drink to excess on Purim are likely to engage in shameful and dangerous behaviors. Hatzalah cannot keep up with the calls to take these young men to hospital emergency rooms! Can anyone conceive that this is a mitzvah?” HaGaon HaRav Shmuel Kamenetzky of the Yeshivah Gedola of Philadelphia also stated boldly that “Getting drunk on Purim is an aveirah, not a mitzvah.” If you think your children will listen to this information, please share it in a smart way. You do not have to ban alcohol, but you can cut it off before the boys get dangerously drunk (just remove it from the table, once the boys are tipsy they will not notice as much). Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the hardest mitzvos to perform correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive ruchnius (spiritual) results, which means that they drink enough to feel looser and this allows them a greater awareness of the love for Hashem and Torah, which is generally found deep in the heart (people on a very high level of kedusha/holiness do not need to drink to attain this level).
I hope this information will be helpful to you and my other readers and that we can all get back to making Purim the Yom Tov it is supposed to be. Hatzlacha!
