Dear Dr. Yael,
I have been divorced for two years from a very abusive man. My children (two boys, a four- and five-year-old and a girl of three), Baruch Hashem, are doing well and we have a very close and loving relationship. There is, however, one problem. The children are naturally very lively and high-spirited and it is not easy to discipline them. However, after their visits with their father, it is practically impossible. He constantly bad mouths me and encourages them to disobey me. I see such a difference in them after a visit and sometimes it takes a full day or two for them to settle down. I never discuss my ex-husband with my kids so as not to put them in a hurtful position. I wonder how I can maintain my authority in the face of his onslaughts.
BT
Dear BT,
Your situation is difficult and heartbreaking. Not having met you or the children makes it difficult for me, but I will try to answer in as general a way as possible and apologize in advance if you do not find my suggestions relevant.
I think the most important thing to do immediately is to get your kids into play therapy with a child psychologist. It sounds like your kids are probably having a hard time at your ex-husband’s house, but since they are so young they cannot express this to you. Instead, they may be acting out their anger or frustration with you, as you seem to be the trustworthy parent in their eyes. Children know when they are safe and when they are not, so they can probably sense when they have to be on their best behavior and when they can act like rowdy kids.
Along these lines, it is also possible that the kids do not feel safe enough to be themselves when they visit your ex-husband; therefore, they may be behaving “perfectly” and then letting it all out once they come home. It’s actually very common for children to have a hard time behaving when they return from an unstructured environment or an environment that is not stable.
As I do not know your ex-husband, I can’t say for sure, but if he was abusive to you, he is likely not very stable with the children. If this is true, then your children may feel that they have to walk on eggshells around him and then they may come home feeling insecure, which causes them to be very difficult until they feel that they are safe again. If you can get your children into therapy, they will hopefully be able to play out their pain and insecurities.
Just being away from you is probably scary to your young children and even if your ex-husband is good to them, they probably miss you very much, and find the whole situation confusing.
Research has shown that divorce can traumatically shift a child’s world and can make a child feel like he lost his family. Depending on their age, children will have differing reactions to a divorce. Children who are 18 months to three years will have a lot of difficulty comprehending what divorce means and it will be difficult for them to accept this disruption. They also may feel they caused the breakup as young children see the world as revolving around themselves. Children this age may cry and want more attention than usual, regress and return to thumb sucking, resist toilet training, have a fear of being abandoned, or have trouble going to sleep or sleeping alone at night. If possible, parents should work together to maintain normal predictable routines that their child can follow with ease. It’s also important to spend quality time with your child and offer him or her extra attention. If your daughter can speak and have an age-appropriate conversation, you may want to try to assure her that the breakup has nothing to do with her and that you and her father love her very much. This may work better by playing with mentchies or dolls and seeing if she understands what’s going on. You can let her take the lead, but make sure that the mommy mentchy/doll tells the little girl mentchy/doll that she loves her so much and will always love her and take care of her.
Preschoolers, as well, don’t comprehend what divorce is and would prefer their parents stay together, even if the tension at home is palpable. Like toddlers, preschoolers also believe they are responsible for their parents’ divorce. They can feel unsafe about the future, angry, and have thoughts or ideas that are unpleasant. Since children this age usually reflect their parents’ moods and attitudes, both parents should try to be as positive as possible. Since you feel that your ex-husband is speaking negatively about you to the children, they may be having a very hard time with this and could be feeding off your ex-husband’s negative mood. It is important for preschoolers to have someone to talk to and a way to express their feelings. You can try the same techniques of playing with dolls as they may also have a hard time expressing their feelings with words. Kids this age also need to feel safe and secure. Since you noted that the children are seeing and visiting with your ex-husband, try to keep the visitation schedule consistent so they know what to expect and they are ready for the change. I hope these ideas will be helpful and hatzlocha.