Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about caring for my father who lives with me. I have siblings who give a lot of advice. My husband is a tzaddik, and we do have full-time, around the clock help. One of my sisters tries to take my father and pitches in when she can, but we mostly do it all on our own. Please give me advice on how to deal with this challenging situation.
A Loving Daughter
Dear Loving Daughter,
Baruch Hashem, you have a sibling who tries to help you, but this sounds like a very challenging situation. Firstly, you should know that what you are doing is priceless and is giving you tremendous s’char. It should be a huge zechus for you and your family. Below are some ideas that can be helpful to you.
- Focus on what you can do and try not to let your “sibling’s advice” drain you. People often think it helpful to tell you what to do, but they don’t realize that if they aren’t doing it themselves, advice is generally unhelpful. You cannot let other people drain you emotionally as the work you are doing is holy and draining enough, in of itself. Whenever you get advice, you can either give that job to the person giving you advice (that may stop their advice or get you more help, both are wins). Or you can respectfully say, “I appreciate your advice” and hang up. Do whichever option you feel will be more successful.
- Ask for and accept help. Perhaps you can ask directly for more help from your other siblings. Share with them how much you would appreciate their direct help as your one sister does. If they do not want to help more, or their help makes things harder on you, then this may not be a good option. But perhaps they will want to help more and this can be very good for you physically and emotionally.
- Set goals that you can reach. You may have to limit other chores. Do not overwhelm yourself as you are doing so much already. If you can’t get help with your father, maybe you can get other help like with cleaning or other things that would be helpful.
- Join a support group. Such a group can be enormously helpful. When you can talk to others who understand you and are able to share with others your burden, it can be very good for you emotionally. There are others who are caring for elderly parents and having a support group to turn to is a great assistance.
- Get connected. There are many support services that can help you feel better when you are stressed. Are you seeing a therapist? Would seeing someone help you? Maybe there are services for your father that can be helpful as well.
- Seek social support. Try to go out with friends and maintain connections so you take care of yourself. Make sure that you have outlets where you are taking care of yourself and refueling. Being a caregiver can be very depleting, and if you do not refuel, it can be very hard on you. Make sure to refuel often, so you do not get depleted.
- Try to eat well, exercise, sleep and take care of your own health. When we are tired or hungry, everything seems worse.
- Try to find things you enjoy doing. Just like you need to refuel by doing social things, injecting joy into your day will help you feel happy. Make sure you do things you enjoy at least 1-2x a week, preferably more.
I hope these ideas are helpful to you. Please reach out for therapeutic support if you still feel overwhelmed and depleted. May Hashem give you lots of zechusim for all that you are doing. Hatzlacha in this challenging situation.
