Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about my husband whom I love. He is a great father to our children, a loving husband, and a baal chesed. What drives me crazy is that he is not like my father or brothers, and he never learns. I was not looking to marry a “learning boy,” but I was told that he is kovea ittim (someone who made time for Torah study) before we were married. I was a good student in school. I am worried about our children as they love their father, but joke how “Abba doesn’t learn.” However, he is the greatest abba. My heart breaks with this situation. Please help me as my husband has a lev tov and is totally devoted to me and to our family. He never misses a minyan and he is a frum person. He is a hard worker and a good, honest, successful businessman.
A Reader
Dear A Reader,
As I read your letter, I think how sad it is that all the amazing things about your husband are not enough for you. There are all kinds of people in this world. Perhaps when your children criticize their father you should respond by saying Abba is an amazing person. He is totally devoted to us, and we are so lucky to have an abba who works hard and does chesed in the house and out of our home.
I don’t know the situation, but it appears that the children may be reflecting your own feelings. In every marriage there are issues. We are all imperfect. However, if a person is loving, honest, and has great character this is probably one of the most important things we should value.
We are all given different challenges in life. As a therapist I see so many deeper, more challenging issues in marriages. I know that we have little control in our life other than how we will handle the challenges that Hashem gives us. We can only work on ourselves.
As a wife and mother, I would like you to stop seeing yourself as your husband’s mashgiach. Instead, please focus on your own fine attributes, your husband’s good attributes and everything positive in your children and your life. Positive people generally create better home environments and happier, healthier children. I don’t know anything about your own childhood, but I wonder if your parents were warm and loving, focusing on each other’s fine attributes and their children’s abilities and success.
We all do better in warm, loving environments. Criticism generally destroys children and families. A positive and loving home helps children deal more effectively with life.
If you ever analyzed situations, there are those people who despite a negative childhood rise above their challenges and create wonderful lives. Some of these people may have gravitated to grandparents, aunts, uncles, mentors, rebbeim, or outside people who helped them not recreate negative homes. This takes a lot of strength. It is much easier to not recreate a positive home environment than to build a loving home when you have not experienced such a home. I have very little information on your home environment. I prevail upon you to view the wonderful assets your husband and you possess. The only things you can do to help your husband want to learn more is to daven (pray) to Hashem to give him the yearning to learn and to praise your husband and make him feel good about himself, so when the opportunity comes, he will be confident in himself to take it.
I wish you hatzlacha in building a beautiful home for your own family and for all the generations that will come from your family!
