Dear Dr. Yael,
Re: Children Refusing to come for Yom Tov
Many of the members of our group, Broken Ties, a support group for alienated parents, commiserated with the cry of the mother whose children refused to come for Yom Tov. One mother pointedly expressed that she felt that these children did not realize that they were the source of their parents’ emotional nourishment. They were the nutrients their parents’ prepared in their youth to sustain them as they moved on in years. This was not done in selfishness but rather as a natural process – namely, cherishing their newborns, raising them lovingly, and ultimately ‘kvelling’ as they watched them thrive. Nowhere in their imaginations did they imagine grown children that would not wish to lovingly connect back to them. This mother felt that our children need to be aware that when distancing themselves from their parents they are literally depriving them of the essential vitamin called nachas. Of course it’s often hard for children to come to their parents. It’s also hard for parents to prepare for their children. Yet, we parents will go all out, because we love both preparing for them and rejoicing in the experience of being together.
Another woman mentioned that more recently her children were asking to come for Shabbos and Yom Tov. Although she had no explanation, she felt it might be the grandchildren asking why they never go to Bubby and Zaidy. More so, she shared that it surprised her how although it took much effort to prepare, she found it easier to clean dozens of dishes and large pots afterwards than to clean only four plates and two small pots. Being alone was so draining that she could barely summon the energy to get anything done. The happiness and joy of being with her loved ones rejuvenated her and she felt twenty years younger.
So dear parents, don’t give up hope. It may take some time, but hopefully, the children and grandchildren will be back.
If you are an alienated parent please do know that you are not alone. More information is available at www.brokenties.org or we can be reached at [email protected].
Directors,
Broken Ties
Dear Broken Ties,
As I read your letter my heart broke for all the parents who struggle with children who are not being sensitive to their parents who care for them. I applaud you for creating a support group for parents who deal with these issues.
It is a difficult situation to be in. Unfortunately, often parents can raise many children while many children cannot always care for their parents properly. It is so important that those who are suffering have a support group to turn to to help them through this difficult time period. Hopefully, as you noted, their children and grandchildren will come back.
There can be various reasons why adult married children might distance themselves from their parents or limit contact. While each situation is unique, some common factors that may contribute include:
- Unresolved past conflicts or trauma: Perhaps some children have unresolved past conflicts or trauma. This may have to do with the parent-child relationship or may be due to miscommunication between parents and children. Sometimes parents unintentionally hurt their children, which can be rectified with communication. Estrangement can also occur due to trauma from other experiences in a child’s life. In those cases, the child likely will need their own professional help to work through the trauma and then repair the relationship with the parent.
- Differences in values, beliefs, or lifestyles: The child or children may have taken on different beliefs or lifestyles that they don’t want the parent or parents to know about. Additionally, the children may be hiding issues which they are uncomfortable in sharing.
- Boundary issues and lack of respect for the adult child’s independence: Sometimes parents overstep, intentionally or unintentionally, and this can cause estrangement.
- Interference in the married couple’s relationship: When parents interfere in the couple’s relationship, this can cause a lot of issues.
- Toxic or manipulative behavior from parents: Some parents are toxic or manipulative, which causes children to make strong boundaries.
- Disagreements over child-rearing practices (for those with children): interfering with parenting can also cause children to want to stay away.
- Unmet emotional needs from childhood: sometimes parents didn’t meet their children emotional needs, and the children need to seek professional help before reconnecting with our parents.
- Personality clashes or communication difficulties.
- Financial conflicts or dependency issues.
- Mental health problems or substance abuse by either party.
It’s important to note that estrangement is usually a complex issue with multiple contributing factors. Professional family counseling can sometimes help improve understanding and communication between parents and adult children. Relationships are complex. Some children may need more boundaries and independence. Sometimes the child’s spouse may be causing problems and feel a need to block a child’s relationship with his or her parents. The spouse may have some underlying jealousy that may be causing toxicity between the child and their parents. Perhaps at some point a child may feel that the parent disagrees with their parenting ways, which causes a rift. Whatever the case is, I generally never counsel people to become estranged from their parents. Without knowing specific situations, it’s hard to discuss, but there would have to be an extremely abusive situation where the child is unable to function, for me to ever feel estrangement is the answer. Making boundaries is not the same as estrangement. Sometimes children definitely need to make boundaries, especially with the issues discussed above. I hope this letter helps adult children get the help they need, so they can be good to their parents. It is not always easy, but kibbud av v’em is an extremely important mitzvah. Thank you for your letter and I hope that we can bring many children and parents back together. Hatzlacha with your wonderful work.
