Dear Readers,
Over the years, I have written several columns about how to behave during shiva. I am dedicating this column to two friends who both recently lost a child. Dear readers, try to be sensitive to the plight of a person sitting shiva. Most people are caring and appropriate. However, there are certain people who seem to come with their own agendas. People must be very sensitive to a person sitting shiva as they just lost someone they love deeply.
If you are planning to visit someone sitting shiva, do it with the sensitivity that you are planning to do a mitzvah and know the halachot of nichum aveilim (laws of visiting mourners). Going to a shiva house is not a social event. It is not a place to meet people, nor is it a place to get comfort from the person who is sitting shiva. You are supposed to comfort the person who is sitting shiva, but many people really don’t know the halachot of nichum aveilim.
One should come in quietly and not initiate conversation. One should wait for the person sitting shiva to start the conversation. This is not a place to talk about your personal problems, your aches and pains, or about other tragedies and gossip. Yet, people say inappropriate things. People ask irrelevant questions. Don’t ask details about how the person was niftar. The aveilim feel sad and overwhelmed and do not appreciate these insensitive remarks. Aveilim appreciate people telling them that it must be hard and that they want to be there for the person sitting shiva emotionally.
There are no words to comfort someone who lost a child. Sometimes saying, “I have no words,” or “I am so sorry for this tragedy” is honest and caring. Don’t ask questions. People sitting shiva are under enough stress that they do not want to answer nosey questions. Let the person who is sitting shiva talk. Listening is the greatest gift you can give that person.
In short, people who sit shiva just crave comfort and silence. Why are people so uncomfortable with silence? A warm gesture with silence is preferable to inappropriate remarks. There is no comfort in recounting all the tragic and painful steps that ended up in the niftar’s death. One client said the best person was the one who showed up when he sat shiva and said, “No need to review the details about what happened. I know you must have said these details enough times, and I came to give you comfort.”
I know that people really mean well. So next time you pay a shiva call, think before you go “How can I make the person and or people sitting shiva feel more comfortable?”
What can I do to help ease their pain? It is OK not to speak. Wait for the person sitting shiva to start speaking and if they rather not speak just sit and show them empathy.
Shiva should not be a job. Shiva is good in that it distracts people, but it also is hard since it is emotionally taxing. Please dear readers just think before you speak and realize that there is nothing wrong with silence. Hatzlacha in trying to comfort any aveilim that you visit and may we all have only simchas and no more shivas to attend.
