Dear Dr. Yael,
I have been married for two years and marriage is not what I thought it would be. While things started smoothly, I feel like my marriage is not as good as it could be. I often find myself wanting my husband to compliment my dinners or something that I did nice for him, but this does not happen often. I also wish my husband would understand me better and after living together for two years, I feel that he should know who I am and what I need. Maybe this is unrealistic, but I always dreamed of having a good marriage and lately, I feel like it is more of a struggle for me and my husband. We do not have a bad marriage, it is more that it is an ok marriage and I want to have a great marriage.
I feel more insecure about my looks after we had our first child and because I am always tired, I feel more moody. I know that this does not make it any easier on my husband, but I try to be a very good wife and I want to be appreciated for it. I also want to be able to communicate better with my husband, but I do not know how to go about making some changes. I want to fix things before they get worse, and chas v’shalom, out of hand. We used to have this spark in our marriage, but since we had our first baby, things have dimmed. What can I do to communicate my needs better and not feel so insecure? What can I do to get that spark back?
A New Mom Who Wants to Reignite the Spark
Dear New Mom,
Thank you for your beautiful and honest letter. You seem to be a very insightful young woman who understands what it takes to make a marriage work. As you insinuated, marriage is hard work and not always fun and exciting. Furthermore, having children always changes the dynamic of a marriage. Both parents are usually sleep deprived and a new mother’s hormones are often raging, making for a complicated mix that definitely affects a marriage.
The first thing I would recommend is for you and your husband to make some extra time for your marriage. Going out together, without any children, does wonders for that “dimming spark,” as you and your husband will be able to just enjoy each other without all of the distractions of daily life. Try to keep things light when you find the time to go out together. You want to choose something fun or something that you both enjoy so you get the most out of your precious and limited time together. Dress up if it makes you feel pretty and if you want to make your husband feel special. It would also be a good idea to remind your husband beforehand how special you would feel if he realizes the effort you go through to dress up for him. In this way, he will hopefully remember to compliment you when you go out together, which will start the night out on the right foot. Dressing up more often may also help put that “spark” back into your marriage as you will feel better about yourself and your husband will see the “old you,” which can kick start that attraction.
It is also very important to communicate with your husband how you are feeling. Find a time that you are both relaxed and ask your husband if he has some time to discuss something that has been on your mind. It is not easy to talk to your husband about your insecurities and about how you are feeling, but sharing with him will accomplish two very important things. Firstly, you will be sharing your intimate feelings with your husband, which will immediately make you feel closer to each other. This closeness helps build a strong relationship. Secondly, you will be helping your husband understand what it is you need from him right now and why his usual, “thanks for dinner, what’s for desert?” may not be the best response right now. Once you share your feelings, the two of you can come up with some sort of game plan for the future. Perhaps, you can come up with a cute secret word that will remind him that you need his warmth and compliments and will remind you to not be moody or extra sensitive. Maybe you can both take it upon yourselves to give each other three compliments a day, so that you both feel more validated. While this may seem superficial, it will get both of you back in the habit of complimenting each other and will go a long way in making you both feel more special. Eventually, being positive and giving compliments to each other will become more like second nature and will not be something you have to make sure to do.
Lastly, make an effort to do all of those things that you feel your husband is not doing for you. When you have this conversation, ask your husband what it is that you can do to help bring that “spark” back. “Kemayim panim el panim, ken lev ha’adam,” meaning that when you treat a person in a certain manner, he will likely treat you the same way in turn. If you want your husband to be more loving and understanding, then you should try to do the same for him. If you make an effort to be more loving and positive, then your husband will likely follow suit. Sometimes people need that extra push, so it is important to also have that conversation about how you are feeling; however, once you try to make the effort to bring back that “spark” your husband will hopefully do the same. Try to make “date” nights even if you cannot go out often. A date night at home can also be fun and help you and your husband carve out more time for each other.
If none of these ideas help you, it may be a good idea to seek professional help as now is the time to work on your marriage. You never want to wait until problems in a marriage are severe. Now is the time to get your marriage back on track. Hatzlacha!
