Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing in response to your column on sitting shiva. About a half a century ago, my mother was sitting shiva in Boston for her father, my grandfather. Rav Joseph B. Soloveitchick came to be menachem avel. My mother felt that because of kavod haRav she should not start speaking first, so she waited for the Rav to speak. Rav Soloveitchick sat for about 5-10 minutes and then left. My mother asked later what happened because the Rav never spoke. It was explained to my mother that this was a law of shiva so that’s why the Rav didn’t speak at all until she spoke. She was told that the Rav will probably come back and it was recommended to her that she should say anything, so that the Rav will speak this time. Rav Soloveitchick did come back a few days later and this time my mother spoke first and the Rav then started speaking. The Rav made an extra trip because you are not supposed to speak before the avel speaks.
This really shows how your response was correct that you should not make shiva calls a social experience and that you should wait until the avel speaks before speaking.
Anonymous
Dear Dr. Yael,
I read your column about sitting shiva with tears in my eyes. I too, lost a child and this is not something you ever “get over.” A lot of your points were spot on, but there are things I think that are important that I would like to add. First of all, I know it’s hard when someone loses a child but the worst thing that you can do is be uncomfortable around them and start ignoring them. You should try to take your cues from the person who went through the tragedy, but most people want to talk about their children. My biggest fear was that my child would be forgotten, so it really means a lot to me when people still talk to me about my child. I also want to feel normal, so it makes me very uncomfortable when people stop talking about things they think will upset me when I come and join a conversation. I know people are just trying to be sensitive, but this is why I’m writing to you.
I can’t speak for everyone who has lost a child, but most of us just want to try to continue living as best as we can and it is hard to do that when people cross the street when they see you from afar or when people become uncomfortable in your presence. It is OK to mention my child to me. In fact, as I wrote above, it comforts me. It makes me so happy to hear anecdotes about my child, so if you see me in the street, please come over and share something cute, nice, funny, etc. about my child. Don’t be alarmed if I start tearing up. I find myself crying all the time, but that does not mean I want you to stop talking about my child. Of course if we’re at a simcha or I seem to be in a rush, it may not be the best time to talk about my child, but I would still appreciate a smile and a hello. Please try not to complain about your children in front of me, but again I would rather everyone converse “normally” than be uncomfortable in my presence. It is so hard when old acquaintances or even friends do not know how to talk to me anymore. I’m still the same person, though I went through something no one should ever have to go through. I still like to talk to my friends and be comfortable with others. I try not to be overly sensitive and appreciate when others are sensitive, yet friendly and ״normal” around me. Thank you for giving us a voice to help others know how to behave in front of us. May no one ever know from losing a child and may Mashiach come very soon! Im yirtzeh Hashem we will all be reunited with our loved ones soon!
A Grieving Mother
Dear Grieving Mother,
My heart breaks as I read your letter. Thank you for writing such important information. I will repeat your bracha that Mashiach should come very soon and we all should be reunited with our loved ones. May Hashem comfort you. HaMakom yenacheim etchem b’toch shaar avlei tzion v’Yerushalayim.
