Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing this letter since I am struggling with a husband who is addicted to technology. He is always on his phone. It drives me crazy. I feel uncared about in this relationship. I feel so unloved. I try so hard to reach him. I try to cook his favorite food. I try to be loving. He is engrossed totally in his phone. I don’t know what to do. I really love him and want to stay married. However, we don’t have children yet. We are married for two years. What should I do? Please respond.
A Reader
Dear Reader,
I’m sorry you are struggling with this issue. It is so hard when we “lose” a loved one to an addiction, especially when they are not aware that it is even an issue. Was your husband kind and caring to you before he became overly engrossed with his phone? It would be prudent to go for help together and to talk to your husband about how you are feeling and see if he is willing to work on this issue. Find a calm moment to discuss what your concerns are. Open communication is key, and it is important to make sure the phone is away when you have this discussion. Use “I statements” to express how your husband’s phone usage is affecting you and your marriage. For example, “Is now a good time to speak?” If your husband says yes, you can proceed with, “Something has been on my mind and I was wondering if we can talk without our phones tonight. I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together or when we are together but you are focused on your phone.” Propose that perhaps you can have specific times where it is couple time and also set some boundaries, like maybe no phones at meal time or designated family time.
Do you and your husband have any common interests? Maybe you can come up with some activities you both enjoy to do together without phones. Does your husband have any of his own hobbies or interests? Maybe you can encourage your husband to try hobbies that do not involve screens, like sports. If none of these ideas are working, consider professional help from a therapist who specializes in addiction and marriage counseling. A therapist can provide strategies and support for both you and your husband. Any addiction can be difficult to overcome and internet addiction is a real issue these days. Try to be patient and supportive as your husband tries to make changes and overcome his addiction or obsession with his phone. Also, make sure to acknowledge any changes, no matter how small as this will encourage your husband to keep trying. By approaching this situation with empathy and understanding, you may be able to get through to your husband and help him learn how to balance online activities and family life. Additionally, perhaps your husband needs stronger boundaries and to get rid of his smart phone altogether, but he may not be ready for this yet. Or perhaps a very filtered smart phone with limited apps can work as well. Start with some boundaries and see how that goes and if it does not seem like enough, try to see if your husband is open to limiting his phone’s abilities which will help him stay off of it.
Hatzlacha with this challenging situation and may Hashem give you the binah to approach your husband in the best way.
