Dear Dr. Yael,
I am a frum, single girl, and I hope to get married, but I am in my forties, and I am not sure that I can still have children. Baruch Hashem I am very successful in my professional career, and I have a great relationship with my siblings, parents, extended family, and friends. However, I feel so lonely, and I get so upset when people judge me as to why I never got married. I dated a lot. I am slim, attractive, and I tried very hard to make things work, but somehow nothing ever came to fruition, and I am single without children and sad. I try to look at all the brachos in my life. I can’t cope with people feeling sorry for me. I enjoy my life, vacation a lot, and baruch Hashem do very well financially. I can help my siblings as well as give tzedakah generously. Please give me ideas on how to cope with my loneliness. I really enjoy your column.
A Reader
Dear A Reader,
It is sad that you appear to have given up on the idea of marriage. Even if you can no longer have children, there are men out there with children who would be happy to marry a person like yourself. Over the years I have dealt with our single dilemma in various ways. While the litvish and modern Orthodox world have more girls in ratio to boys, the chassidim seem to have the opposite problem. Their crisis is that there are more boys than girls. I have encouraged both groups to forge a relationship and marry each other. We all have the same Torah and the same halachos. Interestingly I have found that there were many people who found happiness by looking outside the box.
In fact I know litvish frum girls who are happily married or remarried to chassidishe boys who are excellent husbands. It can also be that you will find it helpful to be open to other cultural groups and not give up on marriage. Raising children that are not your biological children can still bring you a lot of satisfaction.
This can mean being open to different backgrounds, or perhaps people who have found satisfaction and success in life and maybe do not share your professional background. Often people get stuck only looking at the things they think are important when they can find happiness if they are more flexible in their outlook. Finding a husband can help you be less lonely, but you may need to be open to things you never were before.
I know that you are asking me to help you find happiness and perhaps come to terms with being single. People can focus on their extended family and friends and try to forge healthy relationships that will help them be less lonely. While I can give you tips on how to do this, it appears that you already have created a good, loving, and fun life where you give to others and you have close relationships. Keep focusing on the good in your life and keep enjoying the beautiful life you have created, but do not give up on marrying. Your husband can be right around the corner and if you’re willing to keep looking, maybe with a different lens, you will, iy”H, find him soon. I feel that there is a sense of doom and gloom and I prefer that you do not give up on the idea of getting married and being in a loving relationship.
I would love to hear what my readers think. I know it may take flexibility, but I think if you really want to get married you will be successful.
I wish you hatzlacha on this journey in your life.
