Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about my challenging childhood. My father left us when I was young with a mentally ill mother. Unfortunately, we became a burden to our community that tried with its limited resources to help us. In those days the amazing organizations that help other Jewish people did not exist, and I was surviving in a time where there was little help available. Even the government did not give us help. We were all alone struggling with survival. However, baruch Hashem I had an older brother who was very resourceful and went to work to support us. Despite my difficult childhood, I remained religious, praying to Hashem, and I persevered despite all adversity. I did not get depressed and did not turn to any inappropriate behaviors. I married later in life a woman with a son, and we had another son together. Our children grew up with two hard working, loving parents. I treated my stepson as my own child and even today when he is grown he feels close to me and calls me Daddy. I feel that the younger generation uses their challenging childhoods as an excuse not to work, pray, learn and do the right things. Please advise.
A Daddy
Dear Daddy,
I was very moved by your letter. It is amazing that despite your difficulties you were able to break the negative cycles, marry and raise emotionally healthy children. Unfortunately, people often blame their challenging childhoods for their inappropriate behaviors.
I think that remaining religious and always believing in G-d helped you deal with issues in life. How often do I hear people telling me that they can’t be married or commit to a marriage and maintain a healthy relationship since they had no role models in their life. It’s true that not having good role models makes marrying more challenging, but everyone can persevere, get professional help, if needed, and make a good life for themselves.
There is something called bechira chofshey, freedom of choice. This means that we make choices in life. You chose to give your family a better quality of life than your parents gave you.
It is hard to break negative cycles in life. However, you chose to break the negative cycle by working to support your family and loving your wife and children, so that your children are able to grow up in an emotionally healthy home. In making these choices you saved all future generations that will follow in these positive footsteps.
Life is not simple, and many people choose to complain and lament about their difficult childhoods. These people have a harder time moving on in life and ultimately many have unhappy, miserable lives. We can choose to focus on the good in our lives and constantly fight to make our lives better.
I want to share a story with you about how we must work on our own attitudes. Years ago one of the Lubavicher Rebbes had two sons (amongst other children). His older son was shorter than his younger son. The older son was jealous that his younger brother was taller than him. He would therefore trip his younger brother and when the younger brother fell the older, shorter brother would say “Look who is taller now.” One time his father, who kept trying to stop his older son from hurting his younger son, told his older son to stand on a chair. His father said to him look who is taller now! The older son felt good. Then the father said in life if you want to be taller you must elevate yourself to a higher level in middos, learning, etc., and just like you are standing on a chair, you can elevate your middos and actions. This was a lesson for life. We can all be taller people by elevating ourselves in the way we treat others and the manner in which we conduct our lives. I wish you hatzlacha and may you continue to be a great father and person.
