Dear Dr. Yael,
I, baruch Hashem, have wonderful married and single children with many very young grandchildren. I just finished hosting two families the first days, two other families for Shabbos, and another family is, iy”H, coming for the last days of Yom Tov. I do have cleaning help, but I have been cooking non-stop from two weeks before Succos throughout Succos. My children expect to be served and even try to get me to babysit so they can nap. My husband wants us to just go away next Succos with our two single children. Hopefully, one will be married by next year. He feels that I am working too hard and is frustrated with how little our married children help. My single children also work non-stop. Even with outside help, it is just too much for me. My children think our home is a hotel and they don’t even clean up after their children. My single children are also very upset because although they love their nieces and nephews, they also feel they are dumped on too much during Yom Tov and feel it’s unfair to have to babysit all the time. They want to help, but want time for their friends and themselves as well. Please give us some feedback since I would like to host my children and do not want to leave for Yom Tov.
A Fan
Dear A Fan,
I hear about similar situations all throughout Yom Tov and after Yom Tov as many mothers want to host their children, but find it exhausting. It’s a hard question to respond to because many children also want the help from their parents and work very hard themselves during most of the year. I think married children just need an understanding of what is expected of them, but this has to be done very carefully so as to not hurt or alienate them. I’m sure your children do not mean to overwork you or dump on you and are probably just exhausted themselves.
After your children are back in their routine, you or your husband (whoever is able to do so more lovingly and calmly) need to speak with your children. It would be helpful to start with talking about how nice it was to spend time with them and your grandchildren and how much you love spending time with them. Then you can say that as much as you love having them, you feel you need more help when they come and that you’d like to brainstorm with them how they can help more without feeling overwhelmed. You can say that you wouldn’t mind babysitting after you have your own nap and that you’d love some more help in the kitchen with serving and cleaning up. You can mention that it’s extremely helpful when they clean up after their children and although you know they can’t just clean up after them all day, maybe they can do so at some point or after the kids go to bed.
Try hard not to overwhelm your kids when you talk to them or make them feel bad about their behavior. You can say you’re getting older and need more help from them and that you are so happy to host them, but you want to enjoy them more and with some more help from them, you feel it will work better.
Perhaps you can be specific in what your needs are. The problem is that often young parents do not have so much control over their young children when they are out of their routines and their own home environments. Often children out of their routines and comfort zone will be more likely to tantrum, misbehave, make a mess, and have trouble with sleep (which just exacerbates everything mentioned above).
Many grandparents are stuck in the guilt trip that they love their married children, but feel guilty that they are happy when all the young grandchildren leave and they resume their peaceful life. However, there has to be some middle road so that you don’t end up never spending Yom Tov with your children.
Maybe if you have two families, there should be a rotation where the married children figure out a schedule where at least one married child stays up and watches the grandchildren. Making sure you have some rest and down time is crucial as well, so if you want to help with babysitting, try to get a nap in before or after your children do or try to sleep later in the morning if possible. As far as your single children, they are often the favorite aunts and uncles and the young children tend to gravitate to their younger aunts and uncles. If they are feeling resentful, you have to speak to your married children about this as well. This may be smarter to leave for right before the next Yom Tov and you can just say to your married children that you just wanted them to know that your single children have plans in the afternoon, so they will not be available to babysit during those hours. Your single children can try to help out at other times. Alternatively, your kids can just make plans and let their siblings know when they’re leaving, so it doesn’t become a major issue.
Open communication is important so that there can be a time where the singles voice their concerns as well if they want. Perhaps the singles can babysit and the married children should help more with the serving and clearing. You as the mother have spent hours cooking and definitely should not be serving and clearing on your own!
I think married kids feel that they are on vacation when they come to their parents, but I know that most parents do not appreciate it. I hope that other “married kids” will read this column and will realize that if they are lucky enough to be invited to their parents for Yom Tov, they should try and help as much as they can. It is also important to take a step back and be thankful to Hashem that your family is close and that your children want to spend Yom Tov with you. It is also helpful to remember that married kids also like to be pampered and want their parents to take over, but they don’t realize that once there are many married children, it gets difficult for the parents to pamper them all! Hatzlacha and iy”H, your children will be able to hear you and be more helpful so that you can continue to host them for Yom Tov!
