Dear Dr. Respler,
I just came back from Israel. I love living there, but I was very stressed from having to run to bomb shelters. Some of my roommates were panicking and I don’t know how to help them or myself. Where I live, we need to go to a bomb shelter often. My roommates and I felt out of control and frightened. I am going back, but my parents want me to stay in the U.S. Please help me with ideas how to convince my parents to let me go back and what to do in the bomb shelter to remain calm.
Stressed Out
Dear Stressed Out,
What you are experiencing is anxiety and trauma, but you can try to do things to help your brain not process all of this anxiety and trauma in a way that will continue to frighten and affect you later on. Are you able to use earplugs or noise canceling AirPods in the bomb shelter? If yes, using this might help you block out some of the scary noise. It may also be helpful to use imagery and other calming techniques to keep you calmer. Imagery is when you close your eyes and imagine a relaxing scene. Using deep breathing in conjunction with imagery can really help calm your nervous system down. It may also be helpful to remind yourself cognitively that you are likely not in danger as the bomb shelters were built to protect you. Instead of thinking that a bomb may hit where you are and hurt you, you can replace that anxious thought with a rational thought similar to, “I’m in the shelter to protect myself from harm and Hashem will watch over me.” Perhaps saying Tehillim or reading a book will keep you calm.
The most important thing is to keep reminding yourself that you are okay and safe to try to not encode this experience in a traumatic way. For example, if your heart is racing, your body may tell your brain that you are in danger. This will likely teach your brain that going to a bomb shelter is dangerous. A better idea would be to tell your brain that even though your heart is racing, you are safe and then try to calm your body down with relaxation techniques. If you decide to use distraction, just make sure you remind your brain that you are safe and not in danger. It may sound illogical to tell yourself you’re not in danger, but really going to the bomb shelter is a safety precaution.
This is definitely not an easy time for anyone living in Israel. Many people are reporting feeling PTSD when leaving. Many people talk about how they jump by any loud sound and many families are being affected by loss. We can only continue to daven and take care of ourselves and those around us. Hatzlacha with trying to use these calming techniques and may we all merit to join you in Eretz Yisrael very soon!
In terms of talking to your parents, perhaps you can help them understand that Hashem will take care of you wherever you are. It is understandable that your parents are scared, but you can try to help them see that Hashem is in charge and you will be safe! Hatzlacha with this endeavor as well!
Hi Dr. Respler,
I enjoy reading your weekly column. I really sympathized with the letter from the single man who wrote you about the difficulties of being an older single during the yomim tovim. Simchas Torah was the most difficult yom tov for me before I got married as well. I recall my friends talking together in shul about motherhood and marriage while I stood there feeling like the odd-man-out. Eventually, I just stopped going to shul on Simchas Torah. I just didn’t feel like I belonged there. Baruch Hashem, I got married in my upper 30s after dealing with the ups and downs of dating for nearly two decades. I told myself that if Hashem helps me find my husband, I would want to pay it forward. I have been setting up people ever since and Baruch Hashem, recently attended the wedding of a couple for whom I made the shidduch.
I have a number of friends who are older and would love to settle down already. In January, I decided to start a Whatsapp group for singles 32-55, called “Let’s Get Matching,” since I really feel that singles over a certain age tend to get wrongly judged and fall through the cracks. Baruch Hashem, one couple from the group got married in October and another is dating seriously. There is a lot of networking and dating, which will hopefully lead to marriage, im yirtzeh Hashem. The group has both singles and shadchanim, so there is a lot of potential. There are singles from all over the world including Europe, Israel, Canada and of course throughout the U.S. The group is free. The singles know they can advocate for themselves in real time and can reach out to me if they need chizuk, advice or just to vent. The group is strictly singles’ resumes/bios and event fliers. To enable the singles to engage with one another in an organic way, we have also created a group called “Let’s Get Chatting” for members of the matching group only. There, singles have comradery where they formed a nice community and can discuss virtually anything (except politics). I would love to help this man if possible. Perhaps he, and/or others between the ages of 32-55 who are shomer Shabbos and kashrus, would want to join the group. We never know where a shidduch can come from. Hashem is the ultimate shadchan. We just have to try and do our best.
To reach us with any questions and to join the chat, please email [email protected].
May all of the singles find their zivugim easily and soon!
