Dear Dr. Yael,
I feel that I am stuck in a long-term marriage where I am always wrong no matter what I do or say. I feel that my husband is never satisfied with me. I could have a perfect day and my husband will always find something wrong with me. I try not to have expectations of him. I want to have a calm, quiet, regular give and take communication and be given the benefit of the doubt. I can’t make my husband find happiness in himself. That is his work and his decision. My husband has a lot of good inside of him. His temper and his impatience are his Achilles’ heel. I am trying to be “perfectly imperfect” and doing the best that I can with the time and ability at my disposal. I feel that my husband constantly needs me to prove myself to him. I do not need to prove myself to him or to anyone else. I know that I have a good heart, have his interests in mind and I am a mentch. I wish he would see these qualities in me. I cannot make him see them. Not everything is about him and him alone. All our actions are interrelated, especially since we are all Jews, “one nation, one heart.”
That being said it would be deeply appreciated if he would not yell, if he would speak respectfully, “say what he means, while showing a little compassion.” We’re both human beings that always need to be loved and to be valued no matter what, whether it is verbalized or not. Please Dr. Respler give me ideas how to make this negative scenario turn into a blessing upon both of us with all revealed good.
A Reader
Dear A Reader,
Many people struggle in a long-term marriage where each partner takes the other one for granted. The problem in writing this column is that I am only getting your perception of the situation. However, I will tell you that you can try to be successful by working on yourself. I know this can be frustrating because you feel your husband is the one who needs to change, but you can try to use effective countermoves.
First try to figure out what is making your husband angry. He may have an issue with anger in general, but perhaps you can isolate the trigger points. Also, think about how you respond when he gets upset. Do you cry? Do you start yelling at him? Whatever your reaction is, you are going to work on changing it. This will be very hard, but it is usually very effective. When your husband starts yelling at you, try to remain calm at all costs and just continue doing what you were doing before. If your husband is a good man, as you say, he will likely realize that he is acting terribly and will feel very stupid. This is an example of changing your countermove, which can hopefully then change your husband’s reaction/behavior.
The only person you can truly work on is yourself. If you can, try to be loving, and positive, and think what it is that he wants from you to help facilitate change in your relationship. Perhaps your husband also needs to work on learning anger management techniques, but it is amazing how much you can change by being positive and loving to someone.
Many years ago, I did a radio show with Rabbi Moshe Meir Weiss. I want to repeat a story that he told me on the show.
Rabbi Weiss shared that the story was told by a rebbe to his talmidim before they got married. The rebbe would start by telling that there was a rebbe who went to a poor town where there was no mikvah. The rebbe said “Isn’t there anyone rich enough to build a bracha?” The people of the town said there was one person, but he was a miser and he would not give money for any tzedakah. So the rebbe went to visit the miser. When he came to his home, the miser said “please do not even bother coming in. I will not give you any money.” The rebbe said “I only want to come in to give you a bracha. You do not have to give me any money” The miser welcomed the rebbe into his home and the rebbe asked “What bracha do you want?” The miser said “I want a bracha that my wife should die” The rebbe then said, “ I can’t give you such a bracha, but I will give you an idea: Go to shul tomorrow, promise that you will build a mikvah, and then don’t build one. The punishment for making a promise in public and not keeping it is what you want.
Next day the miser goes to shul and promises to build a mikvah. The congregation thought what an amazing rebbe! But, when they went to collect the money to start the project, the miser said “forget it, I am not giving the money to build a mikvah.” Everyone was so angry at the miser and did not say very nice things about him. Two weeks later the miser comes to complain to the rebbe that he did what the rebbe said, but his wife is fine.
The rebbe then asked the miser,, “How do you treat your wife?” The miser said, “I yell at her in public and she yells back at me in public! We have a terrible marriage.” So the rebbe says to the miser, “If this is true, then your wife is already dead since ‘He who humiliates someone in public is as if they are killing that person.’ Go home and treat your wife with the utmost respect and then come back to me.”
Two weeks later the miser comes back and is crying. He says, “Rebbe my wife is sick and I really love her. I don’t want to lose her.” The rebbe asks what happened. The miser said, “well I started treating my wife very well with the utmost respect and she started acting amazing to me and our marriage is now so much better!” The rebbe looked straight into the miser’s eyes and said “So build the mikvah. Keep your promise and your wife will be fine.”
I wish you hatzlacha in your marriage and try to find the positive in your husband and be positive. If possible, seek appropriate marital or personal therapy to help you navigate this challenging situation!
