Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about my marriage. I love my wife, but we tend to have the craziest fights about stupid things. These fights can really get crazy. I know that we are both to blame for these arguments. We went to numerous therapists who only made our situation worse. In therapy, we generally sit together with these therapists and have more fights and leave in an even worse place in our marriage. Please help us. I want to have a better marriage, but I don’t know where to turn at this point.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
As I read your letter, I realize that you appear to yearn for a better marriage, and you seem to be taking responsibility for your part. Marriages are challenging, and take hard work, but are well worth the effort! Going to therapists when you are angry at each other and arguing in front of each other, as you noted, exacerbates the situation. If anyone reading this is a long-term reader of my column, you know that I have written in the past about doing marital therapy solo. This translates into the idea that when people are very angry at each other, it is not smart to go to a therapist together and get angrier at each other. It is better to split the time and meet the therapist individually. I do this with my clients and see great results.
The truth is that we can’t improve the situation without working on ourselves. Every person only has the power to change themselves. Even changing oneself is very challenging, but it will yield great results. I am suggesting that you seek out a therapist that will be sensitive to this issue and will see you and your wife separately to help each of you work on what you need to work on, and then you will, with Hashem’s help, see the results in your marriage.
We all gravitate to blaming others for our shortcomings. However, we have the most power to change ourselves. I love a story told about one of the Lubavitcher Rebbes that helps bring this point out. This is the famous story from the childhood of the Tzemach Tzedek (Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneersohn, the third Lubavitcher Rebbe). As children, the Tzemach Tzedek and his younger brother, Rabbi Hayim Schneur Zalman, were playing, and their mother, Rebbetzin Devorah Leah, observed them.
The Tzemach Tzedek, acting as the “Rebbe” in their game, told his younger brother to go into a ditch, saying, “You go in the ditch, and I’ll be your Rebbe and pull you out.” This version of the story has an important lesson about humility and leadership.
When the young Tzemach Tzedek (Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneersohn) told his younger brother to go into the ditch and then acted as the “Rebbe” to pull him out, their mother, Rebbetzin Devorah Leah, reprimanded him. She told him something along these lines:
“You don’t need to put your brother into a ditch to show that you are taller. Instead, you can stand on a chair to elevate yourself.”
This rebuke was a profound moral teaching about leadership and greatness: true leaders don’t achieve their greatness by lowering others or creating unnecessary challenges for them. Instead, they rise on their own merit and lift others along with them.
This story encapsulates a foundational Chabad value – that leadership is about uplifting others without diminishing their dignity. It reflects a key element of Chassidic thought: that a Rebbe’s greatness comes from their ability to inspire and elevate, not from creating dependency or asserting superiority.
This is true for all of us. We can raise ourselves by working on our own middos and not put down our spouses or others. If we work on ourselves, we will inspire others to do the same. Moreover, your greatness will come from being the best person you can be and this will help your marriage and stop most of these crazy fights. Please seek out a therapist who can help you be the best version of yourself and who can help your wife do the same. Hatzlacha with this beautiful and challenging gift of marriage.
