Dear Dr. Yael,
I love my husband who is a loving father and husband. However, I am terrified of his driving. He can become so angry on the road. It’s like he undergoes a personality change behind the wheel. I have heard about road rage, but he loses clarity of mind when driving. The other day he started a fight with another driver. I was afraid the driver would pull out a gun and shoot us, but miraculously he was a nice guy who gave in to my husband. I think my husband gets crazy when he drives, but I don’t know how to help him change. Please share any suggestions.
A Reader
Dear Reader,
People often experience a feeling of anonymity on the road, which leads them to be more aggressive than they normally are. Does your loving husband have other unexpected stress from work? Sometimes people let out their stress in driving instead of in life. Sometimes people displace their anger from other aspects in their life onto other drivers on the road. Other times road rage can be due to underlying mental health issues (like depression, anxiety, or PTSD) or due to poorly regulated anger management, though this does not seem the case with your husband as you note that he does not show these tendencies in other areas of your life together.
Driving in the tri-state area can be very difficult. There is a lot of traffic and impatient drivers. I think for all of us who drive, we feel the constant frustration in dealing with so much craziness on the road. I am not sure that you drive. However I personally have to work on myself when driving. I take a different approach. If a driver behind me is particularly aggressive, honking excessively, or moving aggressively from lane to lane on the highway, I let that person go ahead of me and try to stay away from the crazy driver. If it’s in the street, I will pull over and let the other driver go ahead. Often I will end up right behind the aggressive driver at a red light. The aggressive driver will turn left or right out of embarrassment, and I can then continue my drive more peacefully. I don’t personalize other people’s craziness.
Perhaps you can discuss this issue calmly with your husband at a time when you are not in the car. It’s not safe to contradict your husband while he is driving, but please try to discuss how you feel at a relaxed time together. You can share that you feel your husband becomes a different person when he is driving and you can ask him why he thinks this happens. Becoming aware of the issue is half the solution. If your husband is willing to try to work on this, you can help him or assist him in getting the help he needs to figure out how to have less road rage. Hatzlacha!!!
