Dear Dr. Yael,
Baruch Hashem, I have six happily married children. I am also happily married, which I know is a big bracha. Out of my six married children three are learning or in kli kodesh and struggle financially. The other three are doing very well financially. My husband and I help the three children who are learning or in chinuch. My three more-financially stable children help those children as well. However, I have one son who has many expectations of us as parents and grandparents that do not involve money.
He expects us to help him go on more vacations and move into his house to watch his children (he has baruch Hashem nine children under the age of 15). The older two are boys dorming in yeshiva. Even though he has full-time live-in help, he expects that we sleep in his house and get up at night for his younger children. He is quite wealthy and feels since we help three married children financially and he helps them as well, we should help him go on lavish vacations with his wife. We have done this over the years, but it is getting too challenging for us. He claims that since we help his married siblings financially and he does as well, we can give up one week to ten days a year, so he can travel with his wife. We love your column and your great ideas. Please respond.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
“Fairness” and sibling jealousy does not end once the children grow up. Being treated differently by a parent, whether it is real or perceived, is one of the most consistent predictors of sibling rivalry and competition. Perhaps your son feels that you show favoritism to his siblings? Maybe he feels loved when you watch his kids and he is able to go on vacation. Maybe he feels that since you help some of his siblings monetarily (a way that you show them love in his mind), you can show him the same love in another way. Perhaps this son feels more jealous of the “love” you are giving his siblings. Do you show him a lot of love? Can you express your love to him in other ways? Can you babysit for less time so it is more doable for you or speak to your son about how hard this is for you and maybe you can show him you love him in another way?
As a grandparent, it is definitely a huge gift to give your children time to get away; however, you also have to know your limits. If you’re able to push yourself and you feel this child needs this, then perhaps you should do so. On the other hand, if you feel you’re pushing yourself past your limit, you will need to speak to your son and explain to him how much you love him and how much you wish you could do this for him, but that this isn’t something you can do anymore.
Whatever you decide to do, try to change your perception and understand where your son may be coming from. If nothing else, this will help you be less upset and feel less taken advantage of. Hatzlacha with this challenge!
