Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about all the challenges that my husband and I are facing. We have a good marriage but we just had a baby with Down syndrome. We have a large family, and we are also struggling making shidduchim. Baruch Hashem we have a good marriage and good children. We are not well off financially. Unfortunately it does not matter that we have a good marriage and really nice children. People who have money, especially people with daughters, seem to be redt shidduchim. We baruch Hashem have a few happily married children, but having a child with Down syndrome seems to make my daughters in shidduchim less desirable. I wonder why Hashem is giving us so many challenges. We love your column. Please give us some support.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
We are in Galus, exile. We are all struggling with different challenges. With health, parnassah, making a living and supporting our families, and troubled children, difficult relatives, challenging marriages, etc. If you think the rich people are having it easier, it is not true. You just don’t know them or their challenges. In your letter you mention that you have a good marriage, happily married children and good children. These are incredible brachos, blessings.
I recently heard a great story that a young man went to Rav Shteinman, zt”l, to ask for a bracha that he should not have challenges in his life. Rabbi Shteinman answered him “Are you asking me to wish you death?” The young man answered no. Rabbi Shteinman said “As long as we live in this world we all get challenges, nisyonos. I can give you a bracha that Hashem gives you the strength to deal with your challenges”
We all have to make this choice. We can wallow in self-pity or we can do whatever we can to deal with our challenges. Shidduchim are hard, but it appears that your children who are married are happy. This is a huge bracha. Having a child with Down syndrome is not simple, but most people who have children with Down syndrome will often talk about how their child brought so much bracha into their home. The community has a large support system for children with Down syndrome and this child will hopefully promote growth in you, your husband, and your other children as well. For whatever reason, Hashem sent you this precious neshama to raise. It is absolutely a challenge and with the help of Hashem, your child will add a lot of simcha to your life. Perhaps you can join a support group and reach out to organizations that can help you adjust. Please reach out to get all the help and support that you can get.
Shidduchim is a very difficult process. It humbles everyone and helps us all realize we are not in charge. Hashem has given you a huge gift because He is weeding out many boys for your daughters, as anyone who does not want your family because of your lack of funds or because of you new precious baby is not the right match for your wonderful daughters. I know this is a lofty way to think and it takes a lot of emunah and bitachon, but it is absolutely true. Emunah means knowing that Hashem is involved in every activity on the planet; bitachon means trusting in Hashem in every situation. There already is an amazing young man for each of your daughters, so just keep davening and focusing on your brachos. I only know the few that you mentioned (a good marriage, happily married children, and good children), but these are priceless gifts from Hashem. You must know that Hashem is heavily involved in all shidduchim and the shidduchim of your children and trust that Hashem will help each of your children find the right spouse. I wish you hatzlacha on your journey in life. Please be strong and reach out for the support you need!
