Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing about my wife who seems to say mean things to me and then says that she never said those things. She seems to forget what she says. However, when I get upset and respond to her with anger she only remembers what I said wrong and does not remember what she said to provoke me. Then she calls me names and threatens to leave me. We are newly married, and we don’t have children yet. I wonder if I should stay in this unhealthy marriage. My wife comes from a divorced home and both her parents never remarried and are very angry people. I come from a loving marriage where my parents have a long-term marriage and are respectful and devoted to each other as well as being respectful and loving to all their children. I am really beginning to feel crazy and I always have had good relationships with my family, friends and co-workers. Please help me.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
It is very difficult and unprofessional to answer a question as serious as your question in a column written in a newspaper. I do not know the specific details of your marriage and your situation. I recommend that you seek professional help to ameliorate these conflicts. However, I will give you some general ideas that you can explore further. It appears that you may be going through something that is known as gaslighting. Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation where someone convinces the other person that their reality is false. It is a form of emotional abuse that can cause victims to question their memories, thoughts, and behaviors. In your situation it sounds like you feel crazy since your wife is challenging what transpires between you two and appears to question you to the point where you begin to doubt what happened.
While it may appear to these people that by getting their way they are winning the battle, they are, in fact, losing the war. In other words when people behave this way, they may temporarily get their way, but ultimately, they can lose the relationship. It may be that your wife was raised in a dysfunctional home and gaslighting was the way her parents treated each other as well as the manner they treated her. You must learn to be loving to your wife and not respond to her the way she treats you. This is extremely difficult to do without professional help. It is in a person’s nature to defend themselves and get angry when someone treats them with annoyance.
It is challenging to be nice to someone who is yelling at you. However, you may ultimately be able to save a relationship by not responding with anger and irritation to someone who is attempting to make you angry.
I am giving you ideas but in your situation you must seek professional advice. As a psychotherapist myself I know that every situation is different and each person carries their own issues. Hashem orchestrated your marriage, so the first step would be to seek professional help that comes highly recommended as someone who wants to save marriages. I think you should try your best to make this marriage work unless you are told differently by rabbanim and therapists you respect and trust. I also advise you to ask da’as Torah whether you should try to hold off on having children until you are certain that you both plan to remain married to each other. In the meantime, I will share a few ideas as to how to deal with someone who is gaslighting you.
The first step is to ask your wife to work on validating your feelings and experiences. This needs to be done at a time when you are not fighting and when your wife is calm and open to speaking to you in a normal manner. For example, you can tell your wife that her behavior has been bothering or upsetting you, and then ask her to help you come up with a solution that works for both of you. Perhaps your wife doesn’t realize what she is doing, and will make an effort to change. If she does, that is a positive sign. However, if she is unwilling to change her behavior, then this may not be an emotionally safe relationship for you.
Some people prefer negative attention over no attention at all, so someone who is gaslighting you is looking for a reaction. As noted above, by staying calm, you’re not validating or encouraging her behavior. When you respond in anger, you’re validating and encouraging this negative behavior because then your wife can use your anger against you.
Learn to assert yourself and your point of view. For example, you can say things like, “I know what I experienced,” or “we remember this situation differently,” or “my feelings, memories, and experiences are valid and are not up for debate.” Your wife will have the opportunity to validate your point of view, but if she persists in denying her actions and in accusing you, it is a red flag that she is a gaslighter.
It is important to remind yourself when your wife is behaving this way that this is not about you, it’s about your wife. This will psychologically protect you from feeling like you’re going crazy. This is not easy to do, but with practice, you will get better at this skill and you will be able to see the truth and trust your judgment, even when someone is making you question yourself.
Be compassionate to yourself and show yourself a lot of kindness. Unfortunately, people who experience gaslighting can experience serious effects such as depression, anxiety, trauma, and loss of self-confidence. Remind yourself that what is happening is not your fault and has nothing to do with who you are.
Please get professional help from someone who is known to try to save marriages so you can get the emotional support you need to work through this relationship in a healthy manner. I wish you hatzlacha in your life’s journey.
