Dear Dr. Yael,
My son is very insecure. My husband and I have a good marriage,however my son who is in his 20s was bullied by his classmates. Until today he bears the pain of being bullied by others. He is extremely sensitive and he lacks confidence. He is afraid to date and get married. Baruch Hashem, he is very bright and makes an excellent living in the technology field. My son refuses to go for help and he is very oppositional. Please help us.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
It is difficult for someone who does not want help to get help. Suffering from bullying in one’s childhood affects a person’s self-esteem tremendously, especially if they never process it and work through it. Research shows that the damage bullying leaves can last into adulthood in some people. Years after being mistreated, some adults struggle with trust and low self-esteem or develop psychiatric problems. Some become people-leasers, or rely on food, drugs, or alcohol to cope. Research also demonstrates that in some ways, people who suffer from bullying in childhood have similar symptoms to PTSD, in which people who experienced terrifying things develop an impaired fight or flight response. Additionally, people who suffer from bullying in childhood can have lasting anger, anxiety, substance abuse, battered self-esteem, and relationship problems. The research also shows that people who were bullied can find positive outcomes as well, such as becoming more empathetic, more self-reliant, and/or having inner strength and motivation to be successful. However, many times the individuals who suffered negative effects did not have the positive outcomes outweigh the negative outcomes. CBT therapy and certain trauma therapies have been found to be very helpful for people suffering from childhood bullying later in life.
You mentioned that your son is refusing help. Therefore, I will share some things you can do in the meantime to help him.
- Listen actively, without judgment and express genuine concern for his feelings.
- Validate your son’s feelings by letting him know his feelings are valid and understandable.
- Share podcasts, articles, or self-help/psychology books related to building self-esteem.
- Build your son up as much as possible by using meaningful and specific compliments.
- Highlight your own strengths and accomplishments in an appropriate manner to model positive self-talk.
- Share your own experiences with overcoming challenges to show vulnerability and resilience.
- Suggest hobbies or activities that will help your son utilize his strengths and build his self-confidence.
- Celebrate all achievements, no matter how small.
- Avoid pressuring him to go for therapy if he isn’t ready to do so.
- Let him know you are ready to help him and support him in any way possible.
- Seek your own professional help to guide you in how to best support your son.
Hatzlacha with this challenging situation and I hope these ideas are helpful and you start to see positive change.
