Dear Dr. Yael,
My wife and I have a good marriage. However we both have very interfering parents. Both of our mothers will often point out our faults. In other words my mother will speak against my wife, while my mother-in-law will speak against me. Our fathers try to be positive to both of us. We are newly married and expecting our first child. Please help us deal with this so we can protect our marriage and each other.
Newly Married Couple
Dear Newly Married Couple,
This is a very difficult situation and I’m sorry you are dealing with this. The good news is, you state, you and your wife have a good marriage together. You and your wife will need to put up some clear boundaries with derech eretz. It is imperative that you and your wife show a united front to your parents. You and your wife can discuss what you feel you will both be willing to accept and then you both need to speak to your mother together and then her mother together. Make sure that you talk with both of them separately and when everything is calm. This will not work if it is during a high stress time. It is also very helpful to use “we statements” or “I statements.” For example, “we feel uncomfortable when you speak badly about my wife/husband” or “I feel very hurt when you imply negative things about my spouse.” In order to set clear boundaries, you can let your mother and mother-in-law know what topics are off limits for discussion. For example, you can say, “If you criticize my spouse, the conversation will be over. I love my spouse and I will not listen to anything negative about him/her. I love you and I respect you and your opinions. However, my spouse is amazing and I will not be part of any discussions that imply otherwise.” If there are other topics that lead to this negativity, bring up those as off limits as well.
It would also be prudent to limit the information you share with your parents. This will help you limit the opinions you get. This may be hard if you are used to sharing everything with your mothers and if you are close with them. However, you will learn that this may help keep better boundaries and protect your marriage. It is important to remember that even when you are setting boundaries, you must maintain respect and appreciation for their love and concern. Your parents raised you and love you and even if they are being completely inappropriate, you can share your feelings in a respectful way. If these ideas are not doing the trick, please seek professional help to assist you in navigating this very tricky situation. You are obviously both loved very much and your mothers are likely struggling with “losing” you to each other. This does not make it ok, but it is important to remember that it is probably coming from a good place, even though it’s coming out very wrong and very hurtful. Please try talking to your mothers and if it still does not stop, please get the help you need so that you can protect your marriage and still have a good relationship with your mothers. Hatzlacha!
