Dear Dr. Yael,
I love my wife but she is always late. She has no concept of time. She procrastinates doing things and often loses things. I am very organized and her lack of organization drives me crazy. My wife is amazing in other ways. She has a bubbly and great personality, is a great cook, and a loving mother and wife. My wife stays up late and doesn’t sleep enough and I feel very frustrated with her poor time management. There is always tension erev Shabbos as she lights candles way into the extra 18 minutes. Lately I find myself getting snappy at her. I don’t want to be this way. Please help me.
A Reader
Dear A Reader,
I hear your frustration. I don’t know the whole situation. However, it appears that your wife may have adult ADHD. Many adults who have ADHD are not aware that they have it; however, they know that everyday tasks are challenging. Adults with ADHD may find it hard to focus and prioritize, leading to missed deadlines, forgetting social plans, forgetting appointments, or being late all the time. Additionally, most adults with ADHD are disorganized and have poor time management skills. They may also have trouble multitasking, excessive restlessness, poor planning, and low frustration tolerance. ADHD is only diagnosed when symptoms are severe enough to cause ongoing difficulties in more than one area of your life. Experts say that there are six habits that are common signs of ADHD in adults.
1] Needing everything to be perfect. There can be an overlap between people who are perfectionistic and people with ADHD and this can be a factor as to why things do not get done.
2] Procrastinating till the last minute. So an ADHD adult hears that Shabbos is 6 p.m.. They may start doing the last minute things at 6 p.m. as opposed to lighting at 6 p.m. or 10 minutes before that time to make it more special (hiddur mitzvah).
3] Consistently running late to meetings and other responsibilities. This can be painful to children who are waiting to be picked up from school, day camp or friends, etc.
4] Having meltdowns when work gets stressful. Adults with ADHD have trouble coping with stress and with mood swings.
5] Habitually emailing with mistakes. Because adults with ADHD have trouble focusing and sitting still for long periods of time, they often make mistakes.
6] Brainstorming creative ideas that you later have trouble executing. Adults with ADHD can have poor time management, planning and organization as well as trouble following instructions and finishing projects.
I am just sharing some possibilities. I am not sure what your financial situation is, but it may be a good idea to get some professional help to aid your wife in her situation.
In order to help you be less snappy, it is best if you try to focus on your wife’s attributes. As you mention, your wife is a loving wife and mother, has a great personality, and is a great cook. I’m sure there are many other amazing things about your wife that you can choose to focus on as well. We all get frustrated at times. Perhaps if you realize that your wife is not intentionally trying to upset you, but that she is struggling with something, you will be less snappy and more understanding to her. Focusing on your wife’s good points will also help you feel less frustrated with her and more positive towards her.
It is challenging to answer your question as there are so many particulars that are not clear. I am merely giving you ideas to look into to see if this is why you are feeling frustrated. I highly recommend that you seek out professional help to deal with the situation so you can maintain a loving and calm relationship with your wife.
I wish you hatzlacha in dealing with this situation and hope you continue to enjoy the brachos that Hashem has given you.
