Dear Dr. Yael,
My wife has a serious hoarding problem which is becoming overwhelming. No item which enters our apartment, no matter how worthless, is ever allowed to leave. The clutter is mounting, day by day.
We are empty-nesters who live in a tiny 2-bedroom apartment. Our children are middle-aged and we have no grandchildren.
When I retired a few years ago, my first project was going to be decluttering the apartment. I soon realized this was impossible because my wife is emotionally attached to each object.
For example, we have a huge old set of Encyclopedia Britannica from the 1950s, which was bequeathed us many years ago by departing neighbors. I wanted to get rid of it because it takes up a lot of space and no one ever looks at it because now we have Google. But my wife started crying and said she can’t part with it. I tried smuggling it out, volume by volume, but my wife caught me on the way to the basement with one of the volumes and physically punched me until I was forced to relinquish it.
So, I gave up my project to declutter because I saw it just couldn’t be done!
The children’s bedroom, which I envisioned as a den, has been turned into an attic. It is so full of useless objects – outdated electronics, children’s clothes, their high school textbooks, school supplies, etc. – that it has become impassable. The entire apartment is littered with toys that our children played with 40 years ago! Recently, we were visited by a friend – a rare occurrence because very few people visit us in our apartment – who brought his little son with him. I said to my wife, “Why don’t we take out the knock-hockey set from under your bed and I can play with him.” But she said no, I can’t take it out, because she is saving it! For what? It has been lying there gathering dust for decades!
Whenever anyone sent us shalach manos over the years, my wife saved the tray or the basket it came in. Not only that, but I have been finding the shalach manos themselves! She hoards fine Swiss chocolate bars – which I love – for years, hiding them in out-of-the-way places in the kitchen, until their expiration dates pass.
I could go on, but I think you get the idea. The situation is making me very depressed, but I don’t know what to do about it. Please help. I’m feeling very suffocated.
Your Reader,
GF
Dear GF,
My heart goes out to you as this seems like a difficult situation, but please try not to lose hope. It sounds like your wife has a hoarding disorder as she has a desire to hold onto possessions, to the point that this behavior negatively impacts various facets of her life, one of which is her relationship with you. Hoarding can be related to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or depression or it can just be a stand alone disorder. Hoarding can also begin after a traumatic experience.
It is very hard to help someone who hoards. People who hoard may not realize that their behavior is potentially unhealthy or dangerous or they may know but feel uncomfortable speaking about it with others. It would be very helpful to encourage your wife to seek professional help. Research shows that Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) can help hoarders start to heal. It would also be extremely important for you to seek your own mental health treatment so you have the support you need as well as someone to help you with the depression you’re feeling. It would also be good for you to understand why people hoard to help you understand your wife more and not feel as frustrated with her. Having empathy for your wife will help you feel less upset as well.
Hoarding disorder is a mental illness that is not the fault of the person experiencing it. Even though your wife’s behaviors are so hard and upsetting, she is also suffering and needs your empathy and compassion. Your support and openness can also encourage your wife to seek professional help and will be much more effective than criticism and judgement.
Lastly, praise your wife if she seeks professional help and for any progress, no matter how small. Motivation can help your wife get on track and make meaningful progress. Lastly, try not to organize, clean, or remove things from the home without your wife’s consent. This can lead to extreme emotional stress (as you experienced when your wife started punching you) and can also exacerbate your wife’s hoarding feelings and behaviors. It is also important that you have a lot of patience as it can take a long time for someone experiencing hoarding disorder to get to a place where they can change their behaviors. Hatzlacha with this difficult situation. Please try to get the help you need and encourage your wife to get the help she needs.
